Trail to the Heart
by rororogers
Summary: Lou McCloud needs a fresh start. Can she find it and perhaps a chance at love on the Oregon Trail?
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: Don't own the young riders :(**

**A/N: This story was written for the Different Path Challenge at the Ranch. I hope you enjoy it.**

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**Prologue**

Louise McCloud stood before the cracked mirror in her room. She looked at the woman she had become. She was no longer that frightened little girl that Wick's used. She was no longer that little girl masquerading as a boy to protect herself and to get work. She was no longer the Pony Express rider known as Lou. She was no longer a sister to five mismatched brothers, nor the sweetheart of the one known as Kid. She was no longer the fighter she had been when she rode with the boys. She was no longer the respectable… well as respectable as she could be… woman who had married the Kid. She was no longer Louise, the big sister to two young siblings in an orphanage. She was no longer a woman Lou wanted to know. She was no longer herself.

Lou sighed before picking up the announcement of a wagon train that would be leaving the next day. She had read this announcement every day for the past four months. She had prepared for this trip. The only problem, she was alone. They'd never let a single woman on the train. A spark of her old fire flashed in her eyes as she knew what had to be done. She had to get out of this city. There were too many bad memories. There were too many people, too many strange men who just wanted to use her.

Lou turned to her closet and pulled out her old Express trunk. Inside she found all the letters she had from her siblings, a picture that Ike had drawn of them all before he was killed, a pair of fancy gloves that Cody had given her for Christmas that first year, the dress Jimmy had bought her that one time, a couple of books that Noah had given her, a tennis racket from one of Teaspoon's games, lots of letters from Emma, the earrings Rachel had given her to wear at her wedding that seemed like a lifetime ago, and one single dried wildflower pressed between a kerchief that had belonged to Buck. She never did know why he had given that to her, but she had kept it when Kid forced them to leave without saying goodbye. Pushing aside the memories and trinkets, Lou reached into the bottom of her trunk and pulled out a worn pair of long johns, trousers, a button down shirt, vest, and her gun belt. She took the hat that had been lying on top of everything out as well. She moved some things aside to find where her gun was wrapped in cloth.

She stood up and put all those things on her bed before returning to the trunk and closing it. She knew she would probably end up dumping that trunk on the trail to lighten the load but she couldn't leave it where she was, she just couldn't. So she grabbed the end of the trunk and dragged it down the back stairs, thankful that nobody was about to question her. After storing the trunk in the wagon she had purchased, that the livery owner was guarding for her, she returned to her room.

Lou found herself standing in front of her cracked mirror again as she pulled the pins from her hair releasing the abundant chestnut waves. She had half of a thought of wishing her 'brothers' could have seen her like this, like a woman and not just one of the boys. Lou laughed at herself for the thought before grabbing the pair of scissors laying on the vanity. She grabbed a handful of hair and took a deep breath. She could do this, she had done it before. She had to do this. Bringing the scissors to her hair Lou fought to keep her eyes open as she cut her hair off, well more like hacked it off. By the time she was done, her hair was shorter than it had ever been, even when she had first started riding for the Express. Lou had to bite back a sob as she looked at herself.

Turning away from the mirror, Lou walked to her bed and the clothing laid out on it. It had been a long time since she had worn men's clothes, in fact she wasn't even sure they'd still fit, she had a bit more up top than she used to. Frowning slightly, Lou discarded the dress she was wearing, thankful to be out of it. At one time she had worn a dress very similar to it and it had been fun. It had been nice to be recognized as a woman and thought pretty. But the newness had quickly worn off when she had to wear dresses like it all the time. Lou then discarded her undergarments and grabbed the worn pink long johns. After slipping them on she realized she could not button them all the way up. It was as she feared; her chest had gotten too big. And to think at one time she had been envious of Rachel, now she understood why Rachel didn't like hers sometimes.

Lou walked over to her closet again and pulled out a bed sheet. Using the scissors she made herself some bindings. It took a couple of tries before she got the bindings tight enough to hide her curvier figure. Once she had the bindings tight enough she finished buttoning her long johns. Then she put on the shirt and trousers. She slipped the vest on and placed her hat on her head. She looked at her gun belt briefly before picking it up and putting it on her waist. The moment the gun was in the holster, Lou for once in the past ten years felt like herself. She smiled as she looked into the mirror. She could finally recognize her image staring back at her. She tipped her hat to her reflection before she grabbed the bag of money that was hidden under her mattress and stuffed it inside her shirt.

Lou took one last look around the room that had been her home for the past three years. She was leaving almost everything; the only things coming with her were a few of her plain dresses packed away in her wagon already for when she got to Oregon and her Express trunk. Her wagon was loaded with all the food supplies she would need for the journey and everything she would need to start fresh in a new land. Maybe she really could just start all over once she got there. With a determined set to her jaw, Lou marched out of the room and down the back stairs. She was leaving this blasted town.

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**AN: Thanks to Kristina and Anita for prereading and helping me make this story better, Thanks to Shauna for beta'ing. And Don't worry I have not forgotton about my other story, I'll get back to it as soon as RL slows down a little.**


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1  
**_St. Joseph Missouri, 1872_

Buck Cross looked over the wagon train he had agreed to guide to Oregon; he had guided many of them in the past ten years. Buck took the hat off his head, the same one he worn since Ike had given it to him for a birthday present right before they joined the Express. That seemed like a lifetime ago but in truth it was twelve years ago. Buck hit the hat against his leg to knock some of the dust off of it, he sighed as he placed it back on his head. He was getting too old for this. At twenty eight years old as far as he could figure not knowing his exact birthdate, he thought it was time he settled down, besides this was probably the last train he would guide for, with all the railroads, wagon trains were becoming obsolete.

Buck thought of Jenny with her blonde hair and blue eyes, he had ran into her about five years back and they had at first became friends. It was only in the past year that they had officially started courting; Buck knew that Jenny was expecting a proposal when he got back from this job but in truth Buck's heart was not in the relationship, it never had been. He knew he should just do it, that Jenny would make him a good wife, that they got along wonderfully and she didn't mind his Kiowa heritage, but Buck just did not love her. Sighing again Buck's mind went to the one woman he had loved for eleven years roughly, he couldn't remember the exact moment he had fallen in love with her but he knew he had never stopped.

Buck could still clearly picture her petite form, her dark chocolate brown eyes, her chestnut colored hair, her slight curves… he figured by now she had a bunch of children so her curves were probably more pronounced. A slight smile tugged at the corners of his mouth as he remembered her fiery temper and strong opinions. Her zeal for life, the stubborn tilt of her chin when she was set on doing something that she knew would not be acceptable to her beau. Buck's mouth formed a thin line as he thought of the man she had married. He would never understand what it was that she saw in him. He was controlling, judgmental, and treated her with almost no respect most of the time. But she had loved him, so Buck kept his opinion to himself, no point in stirring up strife.

He thought back to the day of their wedding, he had been one of the groomsmen, one of three. He knew that the others had at one point thought themselves in love with her… Jimmy still was as far as Buck knew at the time. She had been a vision of loveliness in her bridal gown but he couldn't help but think that the dress was not her, it wasn't Lou. That dress was something Kid wanted her to wear, even if Lou had picked it out. Buck shook his head; even then she had already started losing her spirit. Buck walked over to his horse and checked his supplies; he never brought much since he usually ate with the wagon master who had his own wagon filled with supplies for the two of them.

As he was checking his pack he found the letter that he always carried with him, it was so worn you could no longer read it but Buck had memorized the words long ago. It was a goodbye letter from Lou, she had written one for each of them. All it said was that she would miss him and would forever think of him as a brother, but Kid wanted to go fight for the south and she had to go with him. The Kid didn't even let her say goodbye in person to her 'family' and there was no mention of her siblings. None of them ever heard from Lou or Kid again, Buck had no idea if the woman he had been pining for all this time was even still alive.

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**AN: Thanks to Kristina and Anita for prereading and helping me make this story better, Thanks to Shauna for beta'ing. And Don't worry I have not forgotton about my other story, I'll get back to it as soon as RL slows down a little.**


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Buck walked up to the wagon master who was busy arguing with a shopkeeper about the price of flour. Buck took the moment to study the man before him. Nathan Feller was a big burly man with more whiskers than a man ought to have. He was a wild mountain man if there ever was one, with his wild mane of hair and buckskin clothing. Buck had to laugh as he thought of all the times they had worked together, it never failed that at least one little lady fainted dead away at the sight of the wagon master.

Nathan was a decent enough sort as far as Buck was concerned; he had always treated him fairly and never once judged him on his heritage. But there was also a darkness to the man; Buck didn't exactly trust him around the females. He always would go privately to each wagon and warn the men to keep a good eye on their women folk. He didn't think Nathan would do anything stupid but he wanted to be sure he didn't get the chance. As far as the wagon train went, Nathan was a good leader and had a good head on his shoulders in dangerous situations … he just couldn't find his way out of a corn field. The man had no sense of direction, which is why Buck was not only the scout for the train but also the guide. It always amused Buck that Nathan could look so much the part of a mountain man but in truth would almost be completely helpless in the wilds all by himself.

Buck found a barrel to sit on while he waited for Feller, it could be awhile. The man was known to argue over a cent for hours. As he sat there he thought on Jenny and Lou some more. He wished he could just forget about Lou and move on with his life, he wished he could love Jenny like she wanted him to… he just couldn't. Buck sighed and pulled out the beaded band Jenny had given him years ago, back when she left Sweetwater to go live with her aunt. He remembered how he had been enamored by Jenny then, but then she left and Buck forgot about her. It was only then that he realized that he loved Lou. He had no clue when that had happened but he knew it was true. And as soon as he had admitted it to himself there had never been another for him, not even Camille, though Lou suspected Buck of being in love with her. Sure he had loved Camille as a boy but it had always been that of a brother and seeing her as a woman did not change the type of love he felt for Camille. He knew he'd never love anybody like he did Lou. Buck folded up the beaded band and put it back in his pocket.

Looking around to make sure nobody was paying attention to him; Buck opened his medicine pouch and pulled out the bundle inside. He opened the bundle just enough to see the contents and the one thing he was looking for, a small lock of chestnut brown hair. After quickly tucking the bundle back into his pouch, Buck smiled and thought about how he managed to get this little trinket.

_Lou was smiling as she held Ike's journal in her hands behind her as she faced off between Buck and Ike, both of whom were trying to get the journal back from her._

_"Come on, Lou, hand it over," Buck said with a grin as he inched forward._

_"Nope!" Lou called bouncing on her feet as she waved the book at the boys._

_Ike grinned good naturedly sending a wink over at Buck and nodding his head at Lou. Buck grinned back at Ike before they both turned and rushed her. Lou shrieked as the boys ran at her before turning around and running for the barn, Ike's journal still in hand. She had just cleared the door when she felt a pair of arms grabbed her around her waist and lift her up. The next moment she was in a pile of hay next to Buck who snatched the journal from her hands and tossed it to Ike._

_"So what do you think Ike, should we punish Lou for taking your things?" Buck asked never once looking at Ike, his eyes focused on Lou's face and wide eyes._

_"Oh no you don't!" Lou cried out just before both boys began tickling her. She kicked and thrashed as she giggled hysterically._

_"Stop please … can't breathe!" Lou said in between laughs._

_The boys stopped and got to their feet. Buck looked down at Lou's flushed face as she held her sides. _

_"Oh it hurts," She complained with a smile on her face._

_Buck reached down and helped her to her feet. Lou ran her fingers through her hair to shake out the hay. It was then that her fingers came into contact with something sticky. She tried to tug it out but that just seemed to make it stick worse. "What the hell?" Lou muttered._

_Buck moved Lou's fingers aside to look; he couldn't hold back the laugh as he realized that Lou had a big wad of chewing gum stuck in her hair. "Um, Lou, looks like you got some chewing gum in your hair." Buck snickered._

_"Cody!" Lou hissed. "I'm going to kill him."_

_"Here let me see if I can get it out." Buck said as he too tried to pull it loose. When it was clear that it wasn't coming out Buck turned to Ike, "Go run get a pair of Rachel's scissors."_

_Ike took off at a jog for Rachel's house leaving the two friends in the barn. Lou looked up at Buck with her big brown eyes and Buck felt himself fall even harder for her. "You ain't going to cut it out are ya?" She whispered._

_"Sorry Lou, but there ain't no other way, I'll cut as little as possible," Buck answered her._

_Lou just nodded. Ike then returned with the scissors and handed them to Buck. He picked up the strands of hair and got as much, free of the gum as possible before he cut the wad out. He held it up for Lou to see. "See not that bad, you can't even tell hair has been cut."_

_"Thanks Buck … now I'm going to go kill Cody," Lou said before marching out of the barn. As soon as she was out in the sun they heard her holler, "Cody! I'm going to kill you!"_

_Buck looked down at the hair in his hands and using the scissors cut off a small lock that was free of the gum. He handed the scissors back to Ike, who left to take them back to Rachel, and with one hand he opened his medicine pouch and pulled out the bundle to place the lock of hair inside. After returning the bundle to his pouch he bent down and picked up the chewing gum covered hair so he could throw it away where the animals wouldn't accidently eat it. _

"Cross!" Nathan Feller shouted.

Buck shook his head and looked up at the wagon master. "Sorry Nate …. Guess I was lost in thought."

"Should say so, done called you five times," Nathan said.

"So what's it looking like?" Buck asked hopping off the barrel to stand before Nathan.

"Well everybody that signed up has signed in. Looks like we got us a total of twenty wagons, mostly families, only two single fellas. A Roger Weston … ornery looking fella too. And then a Hunter Cain … He's a might puny, not sure he'll make it the whole way," Nathan said looking over the registry.

"Did you say Cain?" Buck asked looking over his shoulder at the list.

"Yup, you know him?" Nathan asked looking back at Buck.

"Don't think so, he just might be related to an old friend of mine," Buck said making a mental note to look Cain up in the next few days. He was too busy right now.

"Alright then, why don't you take the first ten wagons and go over everything they need to know, I'll take the last ten and do the same," Nathan said.

"Works for me Nate. The sooner we get on the trail the better, I feel a storm coming," Buck said looking up into the clear blue sky.

Nathan didn't argue with him. He had worked with the Kiowa long enough to know to trust his instincts. "Since everybody is here, ain't no reason we can't get an early start. Might even get five miles done before we have to make camp."

"Sounds good," Buck said before walking off towards the group of wagons.

Buck rounded up the families in the first ten wagons and told them everything they needed to know and what to expect on the trail. He also pulled the men aside and gave them his usual warning. Then Buck moved to the front of the train and waited. When Nathan got back to his wagon they set off, Buck riding about a hundred feet in front of the wagon train, one eye on the sky at all times. A storm was coming and most likely by nightfall. Even with that sense of dread, Buck had a strange sense of peace that he hadn't felt in a very long time. He wondered what it could mean.

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**AN: Thanks to Kristina and Anita for prereading and helping me make this story better, Thanks to Shauna for beta'ing. And Don't worry I have not forgotton about my other story, I'll get back to it as soon as RL slows down a little.**


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Lou sat outside her wagon watching all the families that were heading west. The train she had joined up on had twenty wagons, not counting the wagon master's wagon, and almost all of them were families. Lou watched the young mothers playing with their children. She watched the older ones organizing things. She watched the men stand around in groups talking and getting to know each other. She eyed the only other single 'man' in the train. He had introduced himself as Roger Weston. Lou was thankful that her disguised protected her from his roaming eyes and wandering hands. She had already seen him watching some of the young girls.

She didn't trust him as far as she could throw him. He was a mean looking cuss too. Tall and wiry, didn't have a whole lot of bulk to him but she was sure he could hurt somebody if he had a mind to. His eyes actually reminded her of Jimmy some when Jimmy would face down a gunman. Only difference was this Roger guy had that look at all times. He was probably about her age if not a few years older but he looked like he had done some very hard living. His face was weather worn and creased with lines. His hands felt rough and calloused when she shook hands with him. She could feel him size her up and determine she was never gonna last the trail, if he only knew what all she had already survived he wouldn't assume anything about her.

She watched as the wagon master finally returned with whom she assumed to be the scout. She watched the scout move towards the first wagons, since she was at the end of the group she was pretty far away but there was something familiar about him, it was the way he moved, so graceful for a man, almost as if he could move without making a sound. She wished she could see his face, she knew she knew him. Lou racked her brain trying to place the familiarity. She was interrupted from her musings by the wagon master, Nathan Feller. As she listened to him drone on and on about the dangers of the trail and the necessity to do exactly as they are told when they are told to do it, she couldn't help but think of Teaspoon and his lectures to them. The thought of the man who had been like a father to a group of ragtag orphans brought a smile to her face.

"Mr. Cain! Has something I said amused you sir?" Nathan Feller asked standing toe to toe with her.

"Nope, just thinking on something," Lou replied.

"You should be thinking on what I've told you or you just might end up losing your scalp to some injun," Nathan said.

Lou had to bite back the chuckle that wanted to escape. Teaspoon had told Cody almost the same thing, that very first day of the Express. God how she missed all of them. Lou just nodded her head before Nathan went back to his lecture. She wished he'd hurry up and stop talking she wanted to search out that scout and figure out why he seemed familiar, but to her dismay as soon as he stopped talking the wagon master ordered them all to load up and prepare to move out. He wanted to get an early start since there was a storm coming. Lou looked up into the clear sky and shook her head. That wagon master was crazy if he thought a storm was coming.

After making sure everything was good to go, Lou climbed up into the seat of her wagon and took up the reins and just waited for the wagon ahead of her to start moving. She took one last look at the city that had been her home for the past three years, she was glad to be leaving it. She looked to the horizon, in roughly six months she would be in Oregon and could start her new life. With a look of determination in her eyes and her jaw set in what Kid would call her stubborn look; Lou snapped the leads over the backs of her two teams of oxen. She wished she could have afforded horses but she would need money once she reached Oregon, so she didn't want to spend the extra amount it would take to buy the six to eight horses she would need. She was pushing her luck not having an extra team of oxen as a backup but she figured since it was just her and she didn't have a whole lot of stuff, that her team wouldn't wear out as fast as others.

By the time Nathan Feller brought the train to a stop and had them all circle up for the night, Lou was exhausted and soaked. It had started raining about an hour before hand and the rain was only getting heavier. There would be no warm meal tonight, so she was glad she had some beef jerky and some biscuits she had bought from a diner before leaving the city to eat for supper. Lou however was not happy when she realized that she had no change of male clothes. She cursed her stupidity for not purchasing an extra set. Lou knew she couldn't sleep in wet garments without risking getting sick. So once her wagon was in place and her animals taken care of, Lou slipped into the back of her wagon and closed the flaps, tying them to keep out unwanted guests. She quickly stripped of her wet garments and laid them over chests and barrels to dry before she crawled into her bedding making plans in her head to purchase more clothes in the very next town they came to.

It was only after she was snuggled into her blankets that Lou lit a single candle so she could eat. They had only been on the trail for a few hours and already she could hear people complaining. Lou wondered what possessed some people to travel west when it was obvious they were ill prepared for the hardships they were sure to endure. After eating her small meal, making sure she saved a few biscuits for her breakfast since everything would be too wet in the morning to cook; Lou blew out her candle and curled into a ball. She felt extremely vulnerable laying in her wagon completely naked and feeling utterly alone.

As she listened to the storm rage and the wind howl, Lou shivered. The sound of the rain pelting the canvas covering her wagon reminded her of war drums and not the kind used by Indians. She still had nightmares of the war; it had come so close to her home. There was one battle in which she could look out her window and see the fighting. The sound of gunfire and the pain filled cries of those wounded and dying rang in her mind even now. It was hell on earth. Lou felt a sob work its way up her throat and past her lips. She hated how life had turned out, she hated not feeling safe. She hated being so very alone.

Lou thought back to a time when she had last felt truly safe, when she had a family. A time that always brought comfort to her when she was feeling like this, a memory that had brought her comfort more times than she could count, a time she longed to go back to, a time before the war, a time when everybody she loved was still alive and together and happy, she wanted to go back to the days of the Express, she wanted to go back to her family.

Lou closed her eyes and willed the memory to the surface; she needed its comfort tonight.

_Lou lay on her back staring up in the blue sky looking at the fluffy clouds; she couldn't remember the last time she had been this happy. Nearby Rachel and Emma were giggling and whispering together, getting to know each other and talking about them, Lou was sure. Lou smiled; she was glad that Emma and Sam had come for a visit. Teaspoon had decided to give them all the day off so they could enjoy a picnic and spend time with Emma and Sam. _

_Lou turned her head and spotted Sam and Teaspoon standing on the bank of the creek talking and laughing as they smoked cigars, Noah stood a few feet away fishing. A light scuffle brought Lou's attention to Jimmy and Cody who were playfully shoving each other, fighting over the last piece of cake. Lou smiled and shook her head. Lou spotted Kid scratching Katy's head as he fed her a carrot. She had the stray thought that Kid spent more time with Katy than he did with her. Lou shifted her eyes and spotted Ike leaning against a tree nearby, sketch pad in hand. He seemed to be looking around the gathering trying to decide what to draw. She smiled and turned her eyes back to the clouds as Buck lay down next to her, his head even with hers._

_Buck looked at Lou out of the corner of his eyes. She looked so happy and content, she turned to him and smiled and he smiled back. He looked up at the clouds and pointed to a large fluffy one. "Hey look, Lou, it's a buffalo."_

_Lou looked to where Buck was pointing and tilted her head each way trying to see it. "Looks more like a jackrabbit."_

_"No way, it's a buffalo," Buck teased, "See there is the legs, and the tail, and horns." _

_"I see rabbit ears, long feet, and a bunny tail," Lou stated smirking._

_Buck snorted and pointed to another shape, "Look it's a snake."_

_"Now that I can see," Lou muttered. She pointed to a different cloud, "Looks like a baby."_

_Buck smiled at the cloud. "Yeah it does." He pointed to a cloud near the baby shaped one. "That must be its parents."_

_Lou looked to where Buck was pointing and could clearly see what looked like a couple embracing. "They look happy."_

_"They love each other, of course they are happy," Buck whispered._

_"Love isn't enough to guarantee happiness, Buck," Lou replied._

_"It is when it's true love and those two have true love," Buck stated._

_Lou smiled and turned her head to where Emma and Sam stood embracing much like the clouds. She elbowed Buck to get his attention. "Yeah I guess you're right Buck, look at Sam and Emma. They may fight sometimes but they always make up and are truly happy. That's true love right there if I ever saw it."_

_"That it is Lou," Buck said before leaning back and looking up at the clouds._

_They continued playing their little game until it was time to go back to the station. That night as Lou was crawling into her bunk, she found the sketch that Ike had drawn. She was surprised to find that he had sketched her and Buck playing name that shape in the clouds. She smiled before pinning it up on the wall beside her bunk. She then climbed into bed and went to sleep._

Lou smiled as she remembered that day so long ago. She had forgotten about that picture until now. She scrunched up her forehead when she tried to remember what had happened to it. She frowned when she remembered coming back from a run a few days later to discover it gone. She never did see it again. Lou shook her head and conjured the warmth of the memory of that day and fell into a light sleep.

The next morning when the sounds of the camp waking up reached her, Lou climbed out of her bedding and began to dress, she had just pulled her long johns on and was in the process of buttoning them when she heard a little boy shouting for his pa and ma saying, 'Mr. Cain's a gal!' Lou felt the blood drain from her face as she heard the commotion that the child's announcement caused. She quickly dressed, barely finishing when Nathan Feller ripped open her wagon flaps and ordered her out of the wagon. Lou felt her world crash around her as she climbed out and stood before the big man. She could see her chance at a new life disappear before her eyes. She felt like crying but refused to do so. She would deal with this like she had everything else in her life, she'd be strong.

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**AN: Thanks to Kristina and Anita for prereading and helping me make this story better, Thanks to Shauna for beta'ing. And Don't worry I have not forgotton about my other story, I'll get back to it as soon as RL slows down a little.**


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Buck had been making his rounds of the wagons he did not go by the previous day, to warn the men to keep a close watch on their females. He had just spoken with a Scott Feldman and his wife Irma, who claimed to be a minister on his way to start a church in one of the newer settlements in the Oregon territories, when the shouts of a little boy were heard throughout the camp.

"Mr. Cain's a gal!" the little boy shouted running to his pa.

Buck's head whipped in the direction of the wagon he knew to be Cain's. Thoughts like _'no, surely not'_ and _'it couldn't be' _ran through his head as he refused to allow himself to hope what he was thinking was true. Buck moved through the crowd working his way towards the front so he could see the woman Nathan was yelling at.

He finally managed to get to the front and could not believe his eyes. He felt his mouth fall open in shock as he realized it was the woman he had been pining for all this time. No wonder the name Hunter Cain had sounded familiar; she had used both Sam and Teaspoon's last names. Buck could not keep his eyes off of her, she had yet to notice him, too busy standing her ground against Feller. She was still beautiful even with her hair cut so short, but there was a sadness to her eyes that had never been there before. It was the look of someone who had lost everything, even themselves. And then Buck heard Nathan say something that had his heart skip a beat.

"Alright little girl, you wanna stay, ya gotta get married. Now seeing how there ain't a whole lot of choices for ya, I'll be glad to take you as my wife," Nathan Feller said as he eyed the little woman before him.

"Now hold up there, Feller, I'm a single man too. I'm sure I wouldn't mind taking her to wife too, maybe I can make her see how a woman is supposed to act," Roger Weston stated leering at Lou.

Buck finally got his tongue to work and stepped forward. "I'll marry her."

Lou's eyes widened as she turned to a voice she'd recognize anywhere. "Buck," she whispered before pushing past Nathan and rushing over to Buck, literally throwing herself into his arms and crying she was so happy to see him. "Are you sure, Buck?" Lou whispered so nobody but Buck could hear her.

"Never been more sure of anything in my life, Lou … let me do this for you," Buck whispered back as he held her tight to his chest loving the feel of her against him.

"Now hold on a minute, Cross, ain't you courting that Jenny Tompkins girl?" Nathan asked.

'_Of course he'd have someone; he's only doing this to help me out. No one would want me if they knew the truth anyway.'_ Lou thought before a thought popped into her head to spare her pride. "It be a marriage in name only of course," Lou whispered quickly when her brief feeling of hope and elation crashed down around her.

Buck felt like kicking Nathan for his big mouth when Lou pulled away from him and said that. He didn't want it to be in name only but he'd save his pride by agreeing with her. "So what if I am. Lou's an old friend of mine. I ain't about to let her be fought over between you two. It will be a marriage in name only. I'll offer her my protection and in return she can cook for me… you do cook now don't you, Lou?" Buck asked teasingly.

"Oh hush, Buck Cross," She said elbowing him. "Buck's suggestion is fine with me. We can even get the marriage annulled once we reach Oregon so he will be free to marry Jenny," She said to the rest.

"Well it just so happens that I'm a minister and would be happy to perform a ceremony," Rev. Feldman said walking up just then.

"Ya sure ya wanna tie yourself to the breed?" Roger asked sneering at Buck.

Lou glared at him, as she wished she could just shoot him. "I assure you, Mr. Weston, that I am sure I choose Buck, whom I have known for years and trust with my life."

"Well preacher, ya best be getting at it. I want these two hitched and everybody ready to move out in an hour," Nathan said before moving off into the crowd.

Most of the crowd wandered away to see to their breakfast but a few stayed to see the wedding of the scout and gal that pretended to be a man. Rev. Feldman walked up to Lou and introduced himself.

"Louise McCloud but you can just call me Lou," she said as she shook his hand.

"Well then if you are sure you want to go through with this, we can get started," He said.

"Just give us a minute," Buck said pulling Lou aside. When he was sure they were out of earshot he asked, "What about Kid?"

"War... I fill you in on everything later," Lou whispered unable to keep the tears out of her voice.

"I'm sorry Lou," Buck said as he pulled her into a quick and comforting hug.

When Lou seemed to regain control of her emotions Buck led them back to the preacher. "You all set?" Reverend Feldman asked.

Lou looked over at Buck, who was doing his best to keep his face from showing his emotions; he gave her an encouraging smile and a small nod. Lou gulped and nodded her head. Buck felt like shouting to the heavens in thanks for putting Lou in his train. He couldn't help the goofy grin that spread across his face when the Reverend pronounced them man and wife… even if it was in name only. Buck was determined to win Lou's heart, now that she was back in his life, he'd be damned if he was going to let her out of it again.

"Well you can kiss her if ya want to, Mr. Cross," The reverend said.

Buck did his best not to smirk, of course he wanted to kiss Lou but he knew if he did that there was no way he be able to keep his promise of it being in name only…which he was hoping he wouldn't have to keep for long anyway. But when Lou turned to him and gave him that shy smile that always melted him he couldn't help himself. So Buck leaned down and placed a gentle kiss to the side of her mouth, as close to her lips as he dared.

When he stepped back he could see tears in Lou's eyes, he didn't know the cause of them but he hoped it wasn't because she was now tied to him for the next six months. "Well come on, Lou, we better get you something to eat."

Lou started walking towards her wagon with Buck following after her but they were stopped by a few of the families offering congratulations and food for them both for breakfast. Lou felt bad about taking their food, especially since she only got married to stay with the group. She looked over at Buck who was talking to one of the men quietly. Since she had to get married she was glad that she could marry Buck. She had never been so happy to see anybody before in her life. Lou looked at the man he had become. His hair was slightly longer than it was in the Express, about mid-back, his shoulders were wider, and he was more muscular, his face more defined, he was a good looking man, but he'd always been that. Lou watched him move, he was still so graceful in his movements, even with his extra bulk. He was the only one she knew that could move like that, she didn't know how she didn't make the connection yesterday. She looked to the sky and whispered a quiet thank you to whoever had put Buck back into her life, she had really missed him.

* * *

**AN: Thanks to Kristina and Anita for prereading and helping me make this story better, Thanks to Shauna for beta'ing. And Don't worry I have not forgotton about my other story, I'll get back to it as soon as RL slows down a little.**


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Lou found herself watching Buck all day. Now that she was married to the scout her wagon had been moved towards the front so she was closer to Buck. She thought Buck was behind that, he wanted her close because he did not trust Weston and Lou didn't either. Truth of the matter is he gave her the creeps. Lou sighed as she thought about Buck, she couldn't deny the fact she was attracted to him, he was a good looking man. If she was honest with herself, she'd admit that she had been attracted to him even back during the Express, but there had been the Kid.

Lou frowned when she thought of Kid. What was she going to tell Buck about that? True, Kid had been killed in the war and she supposed that's all she needed to tell him, but this was Buck. He always seemed to know when she had been hiding something or when something was on her mind. He'd know she wasn't telling him the entire truth. Lou argued and debated with herself all day. Even during the short stop they made for lunch Lou fought herself.

Buck wasn't sure if she was being quiet because she was regretting her decision or what? But then again he wasn't all that talkative either, he was fighting with himself over whether he should tell Lou that he didn't want the marriage to be in name only, that he wanted a real marriage with her. In the end he decided he wouldn't say anything just yet.

That night after they made camp Lou had fixed a simple dinner which Buck was delighted to find actually tasted good. Lou smiled when he asked for seconds. Buck had never asked for seconds before not even from Rachel and Emma.

"So what have you been doing for the past ten years, Buck?" Lou asked while she washed up the few dishes.

"This, about a month after you and Kid left, I decided it was time for me to move on too. There wasn't anything in Rock Creek to hold me there anymore. The Express was over, our family all going off in their own directions. Teaspoon wanted me to stay on as a deputy but I never wanted that kind of life. I thought about going back to the Kiowa for a time but knew that was impossible so I just headed west. I ran into Nate about a month after I left. His scout had taken ill with Typhoid and hadn't made it. Nate is a good leader but has no sense of direction. I offered my services since the trail ran along the old Express route for the most part. Been doing it ever since." Buck explained as he watched her work, his eyes on her face. She seemed sad at the mention of their family.

"And how long have you been courting Jenny?" Lou asked in a near whisper. She really didn't want to know but felt she had to ask.

"Well umm we've officially been courting for about a year now but became friends again about five years ago." Buck said uncomfortably.

"And why is it that you haven't married her yet?" Lou asked.

"Can we talk about that some other time Lou? I want to know about you." Buck asked quickly trying to change the subject. He couldn't tell her why he hadn't married Jenny … not yet at least.

Lou sighed, she wanted to know, but she really didn't either. For all Lou knew Buck was still in love with Camille and that's the reason he had never married Jenny. She felt sure he only agreed to marry her because she was an old friend and they would be keeping it in name only so they could get an annulment once they reached Oregon.

"Well I'm not sure where to start, Buck," Lou said as she sat down next to him near their fire.

"How about you start by telling me why ya'll left without so much as a goodbye besides a short letter to each of us from you?" Buck asked trying to keep the hurt from his voice but unable to.

Lou felt the tears sting her eyes when she heard the pain in his voice. She thought back to the day Kid had told her they were leaving and began speaking.

_Lou was sitting in the hotel room she was sharing with her newly minted husband of barely a month. She was already tired of the cramped room. She actually missed the bunkhouse and the noise of the other boys. Lou hoped that the Kid would return soon from whatever business he needed to take care of, she was bored. She wanted to go to the station and spend time with the people who were like a family to her but Kid had told her to stay put. Lou had balked at the order, but the Kid had stated that he didn't want her to ruin the surprise. So Lou had stayed and waited and waited for him to come back._

_She had been sitting in that stuffy hotel room all alone for close to three hours, she had just about decided to ignore Kid and go to the station and deal with his fury later, when Kid came barreling into the room. His face held an angry visage that had Lou shrinking back. Kid saw her and tried to plaster a smile on his face but Lou wasn't fooled._

_"You alright Kid?" Lou asked quietly._

_"Just fine honey, I've come to a decision though. You need to pack our bags," Kid said crossing the room to look out on the street._

_"Did you find us a place?" Lou asked hopefully._

_"No … Louise, I decided to join up with the south. We leave on the stage in an hour so you best get packing," Kid told her without turning around._

_"Today? Kid you've got to be joking. We can't up and leave like this. What about my brother and sister? What about our family? I ain't ready to say goodbye to them, Kid," Lou exclaimed as the tears started._

_"I'm sorry, Lou, but we've got to leave today. You're just going have to wait to get your brother and sister out of the orphanage. Besides do you really want them in the south where the fighting is going to be?" Kid asked turning to her._

_"No but shouldn't you be thinking about me too? Do you really want me to come with you while you go off to fight in some damn war for a cause that I don't believe in? Are you really going to make me go?" Lou shouted at him._

_"Damn it Lou! I'm your husband! You are supposed to go where I go. I'm going back to fight for my home and when the war is over in a few months we will settle there and send for your siblings. You'll be fine on your on for a few months," Kid shouted back at her._

_"Why can't I stay here with our family and then when the war is over you can send for me or come back and get me or just come back period," Lou asked quietly._

_"They ain't family Lou! Me and you is family. This ain't my home," Kid stated with surprising hatred._

_"What is wrong with you, Kid? Why are you acting like this?" Lou whispered._

_"Nothing is wrong with me … you best get busy," Kid whispered turning back to the window._

_"Are we even going to say goodbye?" Lou asked quietly, her heart broken._

_"It's better if we don't. Easier," Kid said._

_"Easier for who Kid? You?" Lou asked so softly that either Kid didn't hear or just chose to ignore her._

_With a heavy heart Lou packed their bags and then sat to write letters to the family she was leaving behind. She didn't care what Kid said, they'd always be her family. When the time came for the stage, Kid and Lou were standing in front of Tompkins' store. The older man came out expecting them to be waiting on the siblings he had heard so much about from Lou but was surprised to see their bags packed and Lou in tears. Kid ignored Tompkins as he handed the bags up to the driver and secured Lou's trunk to the back of the stage. Tompkins touched Lou's shoulder. She turned to him, and unable to say anything gave the older man a hug and pressed the letters into his hands. Her eyes pleaded with him to give them to their intended recipients. As Kid helped Lou into the stage she looked towards the station and could just make out Buck walking out of the barn a hand to his jaw. She only hoped that her family would still think of her as such._

Lou finished her tale and had to wipe her eyes. "I didn't even know if Tompkins gave ya'll the letters. Did he?"

"Yeah he did… it was the only time I had seen the man cry. He really liked you, Lou," Buck said trying to hide his clenched fist. If Kid wasn't dead Buck would want to kill him.

"How is he? Does Jenny stay in touch with him?" Lou asked trying to forget about the memories for the moment.

"She did, he died last year," Buck said.

"Oh," She hated to hear that, she wanted to ask if Buck had heard anything from the rest of their family but she wasn't ready to hear any more bad news just in case Buck had bad news to share

Lou knew she had more to tell Buck but she just was not up for the rest of that conversation at the moment. "Buck, do you think I can tell you the rest tomorrow? I'm rather tired."

Buck gave her a smile and nodded. "Yeah it is getting late and we've got a long day ahead of us."

Lou got up and stretched, she looked at her wagon and then back at Buck. She shifted nervously on her feet, "Umm how are we going to do the sleeping arrangements?"

Buck looked up at Lou surprised by her question. He knew where he wanted to sleep but also knew that was impossible. They would have to sleep separately for his own peace of mind; he'd never be able to share a bed with Lou and not touch her. "Well I figured I'd just sleep out here next to the wagon."

Lou forced a smile, for some reason she was disappointed with his answer, granted she expected that he'd sleep elsewhere for proprieties sake. They wouldn't be able to get an annulment if they shared a bed, people would assume things. "That's fine Buck, well good night." Lou said bending down and placing a kiss on his cheek.

Buck watched Lou hurry into the back of her wagon; she seemed flustered by the unexpected gesture on her part. As soon as Lou was out of sight Buck put a hand to his cheek and smiled, maybe just maybe things would work out between the two of them.


	7. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Buck had the first three hours of watch, he had never minded taking watch before because it gave him time to think and pray. But tonight he didn't like the thoughts in his head. He was angry with Kid and he knew that you shouldn't hold anger towards the dead, it was bad medicine. Frustrated Buck knew he needed a distraction and thought of the best thing he could do. He had to write to Jenny and tell her what had happened. He knew she'd be upset and hurt but she also knew where his heart truly lay. Buck thought back to when he had first run into Jenny.

_Buck had just got back from taking a wagon train to Oregon. He wouldn't be leading another one for roughly six months, so he had time to rest. But being who he was he could not just sit around doing nothing for six months, so Buck was looking for some temporary work in St. Joseph. He found work in a blacksmith shop that came with a small room in a small shack behind the forge but no meals. _

_"That's the best I can do, take it or leave it," The big burly blacksmith grumbled when Buck asked if meals were included since the pay was practically nonexistent._

_"I'll take it … do you know which of the local eateries will allow me in them?" Buck asked._

_The big man scratched the side of his face as he thought. "I guess you could try Loulabelle's."_

_Buck felt like he'd been punched in the stomach when he heard that name, true only Emma had ever called Lou that but it still reminded him of her. He debated with himself if he wanted to go there but then thought there might be a remote chance that the restaurant was actually Lou's. So in the end he went._

_It turned out that the little restaurant was owned by a little old lady whose actual name was Loulabelle. She greeted him happily and showed him to a table. A few minutes later a coffee was placed beside him as he looked over the simple menu._

_"So what can I get for you?" a familiar voice asked._

_Buck looked up and met the blue eyes of Jenny Tompkins. "Jenny? What in the world are you doing here?"_

_Jenny smiled, "Why Buck Cross it's been a long time. I live here now, have for about three years, been working for Loulabelle going on two."_

_"Jenny sweetie, can you take the young man's order? We have other guest waiting," Loulabelle admonished gently as she walked by._

_"Yes ma'am," Jenny replied, "So what's it going to be?"_

_"Whatever is the best," Buck said._

_"One house special coming up then," Jenny replied before walking off towards the kitchen._

_A few minutes later Jenny was placing the food before him. "Can you hang around until after the lunch crowd leaves? I'd like to catch up," She whispered._

_Buck nodded and ate slowly. The meal was delicious so he was glad he had given it a chance. One by one the other patrons left until at last it was just Buck. Jenny finally came and sat down in the chair across from him._

_"So what have you been up to Buck Cross?" Jenny asked with a smile._

_"Well I've been working as a scout and trail guide for wagon trains heading to the Oregon territories for the past five years now. I just got back from one in fact and have gotten a temporary job with the blacksmith down the street," Buck explained while Loulabelle refilled his coffee and offered him some pie. _

_She had seen the way her young waitress had looked at him and had questioned her in the kitchen about him. She hoped that things could work out for the young couple, but was afraid that her young friend was going to have her heart broken. The man she had called Buck looked to be holding onto a love that he couldn't have to her but she hoped she was just an old fool and had it wrong for Jenny's sake._

_Jenny smiled, "That's wonderful. We shall see each other all the time now. I live just across the street from the blacksmith."_

_Buck tried to smile, but he could see the hope in her eyes, he knew he had to let her know some things but didn't know how to bring it up. "So I take it you haven't gotten married."_

_"No … not many men can accept my Lakota heritage. I know I'm white but my heart shall always be Lakota. Most white men don't like that." Jenny replied biting her lower lip. "What about you Buck? You've never settled down, is there anybody that you're courting?"_

_"No I never settled down and I'm not courting anybody. Don't aim to either," Buck stated, looking out the window._

_"Why not? I'm sure there are women that would love to be courted by you… I wouldn't mind," Jenny said the last part little more than a whisper._

_Buck sighed and raked a hand through his hair. "Do you remember Lou?"_

_"The girl that rode with ya'll in the express right?" Jenny asked._

_"Yeah … she and the Kid got married right before the Express ended. They left shortly thereafter so Kid could fight for the south. I haven't heard from either of them since," Buck stated._

_"Why are you telling me this?" Jenny asked confused._

_"Because you asked why I had never settled down, why I won't court anyone. It's because of her. I love her. I know she's married and I'll probably never see her again but she's the only woman I've ever wanted. She's the only one I've ever loved and I never will stop loving her. I thought you should know. I don't want to hurt you, but there will never be anything but friendship between us," Buck told her speaking quietly._

_Jenny put on a brave face. "Well then friends we shall be."_

_They became good friends after that, spending a lot of time together. Jenny would bring up the idea of courting every now and then but it was only after her father died that Buck finally gave in and started officially courting her. He told her at the time though that his heart still belonged to Lou and probably always would, but she said she loved him enough for them both. _

Buck shook his head from his thoughts as he ended the letter. He'd mail it in the next town they came to. He only hoped that Jenny and he could still be friends but he knew that was highly unlikely. He had warned her though that Lou would always hold his heart, but she decided she didn't care that his heart was elsewhere. Shaking his head again, Buck sealed the letter and placed it in his saddle bags.

"Go on Cross, I'll take over now." One of the men from the train spoke up then.

"Thanks." Buck said before returning to Lou's wagon and laying on his bedroll.

Buck closed his eyes and wished he could be in the wagon with Lou. He could hear her soft snores coming through the canvas; he could picture her curled up into a ball, with her hands tucked up under her cheek. There had been many times when they rode for the express that he would wake up in the middle of the night to check on Lou. She never knew of course and he was pretty sure only Ike knew about it. He missed seeing how peaceful she looked in her sleep.

As he laid there beside the wagon he thought back to the day Lou and Kid had left, Lou's memories having brought his own to the surface … not that they were ever far away.

_Buck walked into the barn; he needed to mend some tack, only to find Kid, of all people, sitting on a, hay bale looking at a piece of paper._

_"Hey Kid what are you looking at?" Buck asked walking closer to him._

_Kid looked at Buck; his face anguished looking as he turned the paper so Buck could see it. Buck was surprised when he saw the image of him and Lou looking up at the clouds. "You've had this the whole time? You know Lou looked for that for days. Why did you take it?" Buck asked taking it from Kid's hands._

_"Look at your face Buck," Kid said his voice thick sounding._

_Buck looked down at his face and could see what was troubling Kid. Ike had captured the way Buck felt right there on the paper. Buck swallowed hard and looked back up at Kid. "What about it?"_

_"You're in love with her aren't you?" Kid asked._

_"Yeah I am," Buck said no longer seeing a reason to deny it._

_"Well this is just great. First I have to fight Jimmy for her and now you!" Kid shouted._

_"I ain't going to fight you for Lou, Kid. She loves you, we all know that. It's the only reason I've kept my mouth shut all this time. She's your wife. I just want her to be happy," Buck said._

_"I'm going to fight for the south, Buck," Kid said suddenly._

_"What? What about Lou? You know how she feels about that. How can you fight for a cause that would have kept Noah in chains if he had been born in a different place?" Buck asked quietly._

_"It's my home! And Lou is my wife and I'm the head of the household, it's my decision." Kid shouted._

_"Lou is her own person Kid. She always has been but you have never seen that. You treat her like she's a fragile doll always making decisions for her, always telling her what to do. She has a mind, Kid. What is she supposed to do with you going off to war? How do you expect her to make a living now that she's married to you, she can't pretend to be a boy anymore?" Buck shouted back._

_Kid was slightly surprised; Buck very rarely raised his voice. "She's coming with me."_

_"You can't be serious! Have you lost your mind? There is no way in hell that Lou would want to go to the south while you fight a damn war. What about her siblings? Did you think about them? Or have you only thought about yourself Kid?" Buck yelled some more._

_"Lou ain't got a choice in the matter! She's my wife and I'll be damned if I leave her here for you to moon over! And the only family she needs is me. Those kids will be fine in the orphanage until the war ends." Kid said._

_Buck saw the anger flash in Kid's eyes, the stubborn set to his jaw and knew there would be no reasoning with him. "You really are a stubborn Jackass, Kid. I've sat back and kept my mouth shut time and again because Lou for some reason loves you and I just want her to be happy. But I can't do it this time. I'm not letting you take Lou away from all the people she loves and who love her, I'll do whatever it takes to keep her here where she belongs." Buck stated. _

_Buck had turned his back and was in the process of leaving the barn when Kid grabbed his shoulder and spun him around. He never saw the punch coming. When he came to, he stumbled to his feet, a hand to his jaw as he made his way to the bunkhouse. He never looked towards the leaving stage coach; never saw the woman he loved crying her eyes out as she was forced to leave behind the people who had become her family. It wasn't until Tompkins knocked on the bunkhouse door ten minutes later that Buck learned he had missed his chance to stop Lou from leaving. That night was the only night he ever had gotten passed out drunk._

Buck rolled to his side and stretched out his hand. He reached into his bags and pulled out a folded piece of paper. By the light of the fire Buck was able to see the image that Ike had drawn so very long ago. He cursed Kid for taking Lou away once more. He swore he'd win Lou's heart and make up for all the troubles she had been through because he had been too afraid to tell her what was in his heart. Because he had been too slow to stop Kid from taking her away from the people that loved her. Buck folded the picture up and put it back in his bag, he'd give it to her when she was ready to learn how he truly felt about her. He rolled to his back again and tried to get some sleep, morning would come soon enough.


	8. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Lou slept fitfully that night, her dreams were tormented memories. She woke in the morning and groaned; she had only gotten a few hours of peaceful sleep … a few hours before the nightmares came. She was just thankful that she hadn't woken screaming. After she got dressed for the day she climbed out of the wagon and began making breakfast for her and Buck, who was nowhere around. Lou frowned when she didn't see him before turning back to her cook fire.

She had just finished making some flapjacks when Buck sat down near her, his hair wet and shirt hanging open. Lou had to force herself to keep her eyes on her food or she would stare at him. Buck took the plate she offered to him. His face was full of concern for Lou, he had heard her tossing and turning for much of the night and now she wouldn't even look at him. Buck knew Lou was hiding something from him and only hoped she would tell him soon. He couldn't help her if he didn't know what was wrong.

Lou felt Buck's eyes on her all morning; she didn't have to look at him to know he knew she had nightmares last night. She knew she had to tell him everything but she didn't want to. She didn't want him to look at her differently. Well that is not entirely true, she found herself wanting Buck to look at her like he wanted her, like he wanted her as his woman in every sense. She called herself every kind of fool for thinking that way.

She kept reminding herself that Buck was just a friend, that he had Jenny back in St. Joe, that he wouldn't want a girl like her… nobody would want her if they knew all she had done. But she couldn't help herself, she couldn't deny that she was physically attracted to him, she couldn't deny that she longed to feel his hands on her body, she couldn't deny that the love she had always felt for him had always been slightly different than the other boys, but her heart had always been so full of Kid that the small piece that belonged to Buck had been silenced. Now though that piece was speaking up and it was getting louder and it was slowly growing. Lou knew she had to stop it or she'd only end up with a broken heart.

When they finally stopped to make camp that night, Lou slipped off with the other women to bathe in a nearby creek. She only wished she could wash off her past like she did the trail dust. When she returned to the camp she was surprised to find that Buck had made supper.

"I was going to do that, Buck," Lou said giving him a grateful smile.

"I know … just thought you could use a rest… you didn't get a lot of sleep last night," Buck explained his eyes full of concern. "You know you can talk to me about it."

Lou sighed as she picked at her food. "I … I don't really want to talk about it … but you need to know."

"Why don't you just pick up where you left off last night? What happened after you and Kid left Rock Creek?" Buck asked as he watched her continue to pick at her food.

Lou's eyes clouded over as the memories and pain washed over her.

_Lou had not spoken a word in a week, not a single peep since leaving behind all the people she loved, save the man beside her. She barely ate, just managing a few bites here and there. Every day they got farther away from the place she considered home and closer to the place Kid still considered home. A place that might as well be a foreign country to her, she just wanted to go home._

_"Lou this is getting ridiculous, I know you're upset but you've got to start eating more and would it kill you to talk to me?" Kid finally asked in exasperation._

_"Kid if I talk to you right now… you just may not like what I have to say," Lou muttered refusing to look at him._

_"Damn it Lou! Why can't you understand that I'm doing what I have to do? This is my home we're talking about, my memories. I can't let the Yankees destroy that," Kid exclaimed._

_"And why can't you understand that you tore me away from my home, my memories, that you may as well have destroyed my family. And now you are taking me to your home where you are going to leave me behind while you go off and fight…. You are going to leave behind your pregnant wife." Lou said the last part just barely louder than a whisper._

_Kid stilled the argument that was on his lips and broke out into a huge smile and pulled Lou into a hug. "Why didn't you tell me? That's wonderful news!" Kid exclaimed before the smile slid from his face as he realized he'd be leaving her behind when she needed him. "I'm sorry sweetheart… but the war will only last a few months. I'll be home in plenty of time for the baby; you can't be more than a few months along. But you really do need to eat more." _

_"It wouldn't have made a difference and I'm trying Kid but the swaying is making me sick to my stomach," Lou mumbled._

_"It'll get better and you'll see things will be good for us once we get settled and when the war is over, we'll send for Jeremiah and Theresa." Kid said as he cuddled her._

_"What about the others … do you think we will ever see them again?" Lou asked the heartbreak she felt over leaving them behind clear in her voice._

_Kid was glad Lou couldn't see his face and see the tears he was desperately trying to stop. "I don't know Lou … maybe one day we will."_

_Kid and Lou finally arrived in Virginia and Kid found a place for them. It wasn't much but it would do until Kid returned. They had only been there a week when Kid told Lou it was time for him to go but he swore he'd be back again soon. He walked out without a backwards glance so Lou wouldn't see the tears rolling down his face; he hated leaving her behind especially now with the baby on the way. Lou watched him go a hand to her still flat stomach and knew that she'd never see him again._

Lou had to stop talking then, her emotions getting the best of her. She was surprised to find herself in Buck's arms. He was gently rocking her as she talked. She wiped the tears from her face with the back of her hand.

"It's alright honey … you don't have to talk about it," Buck whispered soothingly.

"Yes I do." Lou replied pulling away. She couldn't think with Buck holding her, all she could do was relish the feel of his arms around her. The feeling of being safe and loved again.

_The Kid had only been gone for about three months when it happened. The war arrived on Lou's doorstep … well actually in her field. The sounds of the gunfire and shouts of the wounded and dying men terrified Lou. Sure she had been in gunfights before but she had never witnessed such carnage before. The smell of gun smoke and death was heavy in the air, she couldn't breathe through it. _

_Lou couldn't take the sounds and just wanted to disappear but there was nowhere to go, nowhere to hide. Lou did the only thing she could, she curled up in a ball and thought of her family. She didn't know how long she had laid there, the sounds of the gunfire still rang in her ears, but a new sound was heard. She could hear someone rummaging around in her kitchen; she could hear the curses over the lack of staples. She feared what would happen if the man came upstairs and found her. Lou crept to her trunk and pulled out her pistol, she wasn't going to let the man hurt her; she had to protect herself and her baby._

_She pulled herself up into a sitting position and huddled into a corner and waited as she heard the heavy footsteps on the stairs. She knew he'd find her soon enough. Her bedroom door cracked open slowly to reveal the tattered grey uniform of a confederate soldier. The soldier walked in and spotted Lou in the corner, the gun hidden in the folds of her skirt._

_"Well lookie here, seems them yanks didn't find the best stuff after all," The soldier said leering at Lou._

_Lou pushed herself to her feet, her back still pressed against the wall, her gun safely in her hand already cocked. "What do ya want?" Lou asked her voice stronger sounding than she felt._

_"That should be obvious missy, it's been sometime since I've had me a real lady… you don't look much like the ladies I'm used to but you'll do," The man stated, his hands already going to his belt._

_"You got one thing right mister, I ain't nothing like the ladies you're used to," Lou stated as she pulled the gun from her skirts and aimed it at him._

_The soldier laughed in her face. "You even know how to use that thing?"_

_"Do you really want to find out?" Lou asked a smirk on her face. "You get the hell out of my house," She demanded._

_The soldier assuming Lou was bluffing took a step towards her only to feel a bullet tear through his chest. He fell to the floor, blood pouring from the wound. He coughed and chocked on the blood filling his mouth. "You shot me."_

_"I told ya to leave." Lou whispered as the man took his last breath._

_Lou looked outside to make sure nobody had come running at the shot but with the battle still going she figured nobody had even noticed her gunshot. She rushed to grab a sheet out of the linen closet, and with great difficulty was able to wrap the man up in it. She struggled as she dragged the heavy body down the stairs. She knew she couldn't risk burying him with the sun still up and all the soldiers around but also knew if they came in her house they'd find the body. So Lou took a chance and hauled the body to the barn where she covered it with hay. After the sun went down she would bury him._

_After she hid the body she rushed back into her house and up the stairs. She quickly cleaned up the blood on the floor and changed her own bloody clothes. She burned the bloody garments and towels in her stove. That night she buried the body in her garden._

"I couldn't let that man do to me what Wicks did … I couldn't go through it again," Lou whispered.

Buck pulled Lou back into his arms and held her tight. "You did the right thing Lou … he would have raped you and probably kill you when he was done. You had to think about the baby… Lou what happened to the baby?"

"Things got worse after that … money was nonexistent; there was very little food and few jobs to be had. And when there was a job it was never given to me. Despite the fact that my husband was fighting for the south, everybody knew I didn't support the cause … I was lucky that the only thing they did to try to scare me away was set a cross on fire in my yard. I wanted to tell them I didn't want to be there any more than they wanted me there," Lou said ignoring the question.

"Lou what happened after you shot the soldier," Buck asked.

"I wasn't getting enough to eat; I was working too hard trying to grow as much food as possible, trying to make a living. I stole food just to survive. Kid wasn't there when I needed him the most. The baby came too early and I was all alone. I had no way of sending for the doctor. She was just too small, wasn't breathing, you could see through her skin. She was just too early. There was nothing I could do," Lou said her voice dead of any emotion.

"I'm so sorry Lou… I'm so sorry you had to go through that alone." Buck said but in his head he was thinking_. 'I'm sorry I wasn't there, that I was too scared to tell you how I felt, that I let Kid take you away. I should have done something to stop him; I should have been there for you.'_

"I didn't want to stay there but I had no choice. I had to stay because of Kid. I didn't know how to tell him about the baby. I never did tell him, not in any of the letters and he never asked about the baby in his. I guess he must have known somehow."

"How did you end up in St. Joe?" Buck asked thinking it was time to change the subject.

"I waited for Kid; I waited for him to come home. The war had been over for a month. I was expecting him any day. Then one day someone knocked on the door. I opened it to find a confederate soldier on my porch. After he asked if I was Louise McCloud and I told him I was, he handed me Kid's belongings. Kid had made it through the whole war never taking a bullet only to take a bullet in the last battle. The wound got infected and the doctors did all they could but they couldn't save him."

Lou quieted and just let Buck hold her as she got lost in thought. "I left after that. I marched right up the stairs and packed my things. I got out of there as soon as I could. I didn't have any idea where I was going I just had to get out of there. I ended up on a river boat. I put the skills Rachel taught me into practice. I became a swindler Buck. I cheated men out of money every chance I got. I did a lot of things I ain't proud of. I didn't only cheat them at the tables Buck; I'd steal it right out of their pockets. When the boat was docked I'd let men pick me up, let them think they'd were paying for 'services' for the night but I'd wait for them to allow me to freshen up and then I'd slip out of the room through a window most times."

Buck smirked, he could actually see Lou doing that and being real good at it, she had learned from one of the best in Rachel. "How long did you do that?"

"About a year, I wanted to make sure I had more than enough money to start over. I finally ended up in St. Joe at the orphanage. I was ready to get my brother and sister, but the years had slipped away from me. Jeremiah had turned seventeen while the war was still going on. The nuns had no choice but to send him away, they just didn't have the room to keep children that old. He left and took Theresa with him. I asked the sisters if they knew where they might have gone, Sister Anne said she heard Jeremiah speaking of going to California once but wasn't sure. I stayed in St. Joe and looked for them, looked everywhere and could never find them. I failed them Buck. I told them we would be a family; that I'd take care of them. I left them to grow up in an orphanage. I didn't even stay in touch like I said I would. I didn't stay in touch with anybody."

"Why didn't you go back to Rock Creek or even Omaha to Emma and Sam? Why stay in St. Joseph?" Buck asked.

"I didn't think they'd want me. I never wrote to any of them. I didn't think I could still consider them family and after all I've done I don't figure they'd want to claim me. I needed work so I took a job in a saloon. I figured it would be fun like that time we took down Lambert. You remember? It was nice to be thought pretty and to be treated like a girl. Turns out when you have to dress like that every day it ain't so fun. Granted I just served the drinks but that didn't stop men from grabbing me and trying to take me upstairs. It didn't stop the rude comments and the stares. I just couldn't take it anymore, that's why I'm on this train. I needed a fresh start."

"Lou I'm going to tell you something. You could have gone home. It don't matter if it's been years since you last saw them or had contact with them. Teaspoon, Rachel, Emma and Sam, any of them would have taken you in. You are family, always have been always will be. Your family loves you. In every letter I've gotten through the years, none of them failed to mention you. How they were still holding out hope that you'd come back one day, that you'd write. They would ask me if I heard from you in my travels. You are loved Lou, you have a family that wants you," Buck said his eyes filling with tears at the knowledge that Lou felt like she was no longer a part of the family.

Lou cried and held onto Buck. For the first time in the last ten years she felt truly wanted and loved, she felt like she still had a family; that she was still worth something. She felt Buck press a kiss to the top of her head and felt that little piece of her heart that had belong to him get bigger. She knew she needed to push away from him but couldn't do it. She wanted to be loved and she wanted Buck to love her.


	9. Chapter 8

**A/N: Just wanted to say a quick thank you to everybody who has left reviews and is following this and any of my other current WIP's ... I swear I haven't forgotten about them, I just have not had time to write hardly anything. The only reason this one is getting updating with any regularity is because I already had it written up to chapter 26. Be patient with me please, I will get back to my other stories when I get a chance.**

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**Chapter 8 **

Lou allowed Buck to hold her in his arms for a few more moments before pulling away. She was too busy wiping the tears from her eyes to notice the hurt look that crossed Buck's face when she pulled away from him.

"Sorry didn't mean to cry all over you." Lou mumbled.

"Don't apologize Lou … I don't mind. You're important to me, Lou, you can cry on my shoulder whenever you need to." Buck said softly.

Lou looked up at him and gave him a small smile. "You're important to me too. You said that you've gotten letters from the others… how … how are they?"

"They are all doing really well, they miss you." Buck said.

"When was the last time you saw them?" Lou asked.

"I left Rock Creek about a month after you did … I haven't been back since. I haven't seen them since then but we exchange letters fairly regular like." Buck explained.

"What are they all up too?"

"Well let's see … about three months after the express ended Teaspoon and Polly got married again. He's still working as the marshal and Polly still has her saloon. Teaspoon is still the same and Polly does her best to keep him in line. I've been meaning to go for a visit but …" Buck trailed off; he didn't want to tell her that he couldn't go back to that town knowing she wouldn't be there.

"What about Rachel? Did she ever get married again?" Lou asked

"No she hasn't gotten married again. She's still teaching school and is happy doing that. She's told me that there will never be another man for her, that Henry was her one and only." Buck stated while he thought_, 'I know exactly how she feels, you're my one and only Lou.'_

Lou looked down at the ground. She was sad that Rachel had never found another, but Henry had been the love of her life. She didn't know if that made her a bad person since she didn't feel that way about Kid. Sure she had loved Kid with her whole heart but she was still young, surely Kid would want her to be happy again, he would want her to find love again wouldn't he? Lou looked up at Buck; he seemed to be studying her, almost as if he was trying to figure out if Lou thought the same as Rachel.

"She loved Henry very much but I think he would want her to find love again, don't you?" Lou asked.

"Are you really asking about Henry, Lou, or are you asking if I think Kid would want you to find love again, to be happy again?" Buck questioned her, his eyes never leaving hers.

Lou searched Buck's face, as usual Buck saw right through her. She sighed, "Both?"

Buck gave her a smile, "I think he would Lou. You deserve to be happy."

"What about Rachel?" Lou asked thinking of the woman who had been like an older sister.

"She is happy… maybe one day she'll find another man but for right now she doesn't want one," Buck replied.

"I know Cody and Jimmy are both alright … read about them often enough in the papers," Lou stated.

"Yeah I get mail from Cody every now and then, he's doing good. Got married, not sure how happy of a marriage it is though. And Jimmy... I don't hear much from him... he's more 'Wild Bill' now than Jimmy," Buck said shrugging.

Lou just shook her head and sat quietly, thinking of her 'brothers'.

"How are Emma and Sam?" Lou asked a few minutes later.

"They are doing really good. Sam is still the territorial marshal. They've got five children now, so you know Emma is as happy as a fox in a hen house."

"Five! My goodness! What are their names?" Lou exclaimed her eyes lighting up with joy for her adopted mother.

"Let's see there's Sammy Jr., he's nine. Then there is Isaac, who would be about seven now." Buck said.

"That's real nice she name him after Ike." Lou said softly.

"Yeah … she asked me when she found out she was carrying him if I'd be alright with her calling him Isaac if it was a boy. Since I didn't figure I'd ever have a son of my own I didn't have a problem with it." Buck said.

"Why did you think you wouldn't have a child, Buck?" Lou asked confused. Buck was a great guy, good looking, a hard worker, she didn't know what woman wouldn't want to be his and give him children.

"Well besides the obvious reason." Buck said indicating his skin color, "that's a long story. Maybe I'll tell you about it some other time."

"Alright."

"Alright after Isaac, they have a set of twin five year old boys, Noah and Billy," Buck stated grinning.

"Emma even claimed Noah as one of her own even though she only met him the once," Lou whispered.

"And then lastly is a three year old daughter … they named her Louise."

Lou raised her eyes to look at Buck, tears filling them. "They named her after me?"

Buck nodded, "I told you Lou, you are loved. You are a part of this family. Nothing could change that, no amount of distance or time apart can change the way any of us feel about you."

"I miss them so much ... I've missed you so much. I should have written. I should have gone home. I should have fought Kid harder to stay behind. I never wanted to leave. I never wanted to go to Virginia. I was ashamed, I thought everybody would be mad because we left without a goodbye or warning," Lou cried softly, the tears rolling down her face.

Buck reached towards her and brushed the tears away with his thumbs. "Nobody was mad at you Lou. We were hurt but not mad at you. I'll admit I was pretty furious with Kid though. I knew it wasn't your choice. I knew you didn't want to go. Kid and I got into a fight before ya'll left. He told me he was going to fight and was taking you with him. I tried to stop him but he wouldn't listen. I was going to do whatever I could to keep you in Rock Creek but…"

"Kid punched you … I remember seeing you leaving the barn holding your jaw." Lou whispered.

"Yeah, knocked me out cold. Never saw it coming. By the time I came to and stumbled out of the barn, you were already leaving but I didn't know that until after the stage left and Tompkins delivered the letters. I almost went after the stage but Teaspoon stopped me. He told me that it wasn't our place to interfere with you two's decision. I tried to explain that it wasn't yours…they all knew it wasn't," Buck explained.

"You were really going to come after me? Why?" Lou asked shocked.

"I told you Lou, you're a part of the family. I just wanted you to be happy and I knew going with Kid to the south was not going to make you happy," Buck said simply, he wasn't ready to tell Lou the real reason, but his eyes were betraying him.

Lou was confused. Buck's words and his eyes were saying two different things. She knew there was more to this story, but she knew Buck. She knew he wouldn't say what really happened until he was ready to.

"It's getting late … you best get some sleep," Buck said before standing up to go take his watch.

Lou watched him go before she climbed into the back of her wagon and stripped down. She looked at the clothes she had just taken off; there really was no reason for her to still be wearing the men's garments, she had just been so tired the night before that she had just slept in them. Tomorrow she would dress like a woman … she only wished she still had her long hair. She wanted Buck to see her as a woman. She wanted to make him forget all about Jenny Tompkins. She wanted to make him love her like she was beginning to love him.

Buck sat outside the circle of wagons looking up at the sky. He had come so close to telling Lou everything. So close to telling her how he really felt. He looked back towards her wagon and sighed when the candle went out. He was sure Lou wasn't ready yet to know everything but in time she might be.

Buck thought back to the day she had left.

_ "Tompkins what are you doing here?" Buck asked after opening the bunkhouse door to reveal the aged shop keeper._

_"Lou … she wanted me … she's …here," Tompkins said pressing the letters into Buck's hands and turning away as the tears started rolling down his weathered cheeks._

_Buck watched the man go, looking for all, the world like he had just lost his best friend. He closed the door and looked down to the sheets of paper in his hands; Lou's familiar handwriting was on the outside of each folded piece of paper. It looked like there was a sheet for each of them. _

_Buck handed the papers out and sat on the edge of his bunk as he opened his._

_Buck,_

_Kid is going to fight for the south. I'm going with him. We are leaving even now. There is so much I want to say to you but don't know where to start. You have been one of my truest friends and I will always think of you as a member of my family. I'm going to miss you so much, please don't forget me._

_Love always,_

_Louise._

_Buck sat dumbfounded; the single piece of paper fell out of his hands. Rachel's muffled sobs and Teaspoon's 'merciful god' brought his attention to the others in the bunkhouse. They all had similar expressions on their faces. _

_Buck jumped to his feet and reached for his gun belt. _

_"Just where do you think you're going son?" Teaspoon asked._

_"I'm going after Lou. She doesn't want to go with Kid. I can't let him take her away," Buck said as he buckled the gun belt onto his narrow hips._

_"Buck what do you plan to do? Shoot Kid to stop him?" Cody asked._

_"I'll do whatever it takes to keep Lou where she belongs," Buck yelled._

_"Son as much as I don't like it and don't agree with it… Lou is where she belongs, by Kid's side," Teaspoon said._

_"No Teaspoon … she belongs here with us," Buck stated while he thought 'with me'._

_"Buck … you have to let her go. She's a married woman and is honoring her husband's wishes. We can only hope that they'll come back," Rachel said quietly._

_"I can't Rachel… I can't let her go, knowing she isn't going to be happy there," Buck said dropping back to his bunk and hanging his head._

_"You love her." Jimmy stated._

_Buck just looked at him … there was no need to say anything; they could all see the heartache on his face. "I was happy to sit on the sidelines knowing Lou loved Kid and was happy. I could have been happy watching her with him knowing she was happy. I can't let her go, knowing this isn't what she wants. Knowing she isn't going to be happy."_

_"I'm afraid you have to Buck … Lou made her choice. She chose Kid. Kid made the choice to leave and Lou has to live with her choice," Jimmy said quietly sitting next to Buck on his bunk._

_"I don't understand why you aren't going after her either Jimmy… you love her too." Buck whispered._

_"I do … but I also know that I'm not the right man for her. I'd only bring her down. Besides she's a married woman … she married the Kid. Even if we went after her, she'd still be a married woman. And really what could we do to keep her here other than killing Kid… I don't know about you, Buck but I for one don't want to be responsible for the death of a family member." Jimmy stated._

_Buck looked up at all his family watching him with sympathetic eyes. He couldn't take it. He reached under his pillow and grabbed the drawing he had taken from Kid. Taking that and the letter that he had dropped, Buck walked out of the door and towards the barn._

_"Don't do anything you're going to regret Buck." Teaspoon called out._

_Buck didn't respond, he just mounted his horse and went to the saloon where he purchased a bottle of whiskey before he rode out in the opposite direction than the stage. He ended up in Ike's meadow. He stayed there for three days, the first night getting drunk and the next two praying. When he came back to the station he knew he'd never be able to let Lou go, she would forever hold his heart. Teaspoon had told him not to do anything he would regret … he would always regret not going after that damn stage._

Buck hung his head. There were so many things he had done that he would always regret but never going after that stage was one of the biggest. Never telling Lou how he felt when he had the chance was another. But he had been given a second chance with Lou and he was determined that he would at least get rid of that one regret. Buck looked back towards the heavens.

"Kid if you're up there … I'm sorry for the hatred I've held in my heart for you all these years. I never forgave you for taking her away. I was right though … she wasn't happy. She hasn't been happy in a long time. I can make her happy Kid … I know I can. Please my brother let me make her happy."

Buck closed his eyes and felt the air around him shift. The wind blew across the prairie carrying a whispered voice, "Take care of her Buck."

"With my life." Buck answered. Buck looked back towards the heavens. "Thank you my brother."

He looked toward the wagon that held the woman he had always loved. He would make things right. He would make her happy again. He would show her that she was loved, that she always had been and always would be. He would make her love him as he loved her.


	10. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Lou woke the next morning feeling like a completely different person. She had told Buck everything, she had told him the person she had become and he had basically said it didn't matter. She was still loved, still family and always would be. But she still had her doubts of whether a man would want her knowing everything. She didn't know if Buck would want her even if Jenny was out of the picture. Lou had come to the decision that she didn't really want to get the marriage annulled. By just being himself in the few days they had been back together Buck had already made that piece of her heart that had always been his grow. Lou knew she was falling for him and that if she wasn't careful she'd end up with a broken heart, but she also knew that if she didn't take a chance she may never be happy again.

Straighten her shoulders Lou broke out a dress and slipped it out. She looked at herself in a small hand mirror and wished she hadn't cut her hair off, but there wasn't anything she could do about that. She grabbed her hat and placed it on her head and climb out of her wagon, her back to the opening as she climbed down.

Buck had already started the coffee when he saw the flap of Lou's wagon lift. His eyes were riveted to Lou's backside as she climbed out of the wagon. The dress she was wearing hugged her curves in all the right places. He watched as she straightened up and stretched her arms over her head. The fabric at her chest pulled tightly across her fuller bosoms. Buck gulped as Lou lowered her arms and pressed her hands to her lower back, effectively pushing out her chest. The girl had absolutely no idea what she was doing to Buck. Lou raised her eyes and met his before he swiftly looked away. She tilted her head to the side wondering at his action before walking over to him.

"Morning Buck." Lou said as she went about getting started on breakfast.

"Lou … coffee?" Buck managed to choke out.

"Yes please." Lou said.

Buck grabbed the pot and was in the process of pouring some into a cup for her when Lou bent over, sticking her rear into the air as she poked around the coals before placing her frying pan on them. Buck couldn't help but stare again. It wasn't until he felt the hot liquid on his hand that he realized he was still pouring the coffee.

"Damn!" Buck yelped dropping the cup of coffee and setting the pot down at the same time as he started shaking his burned hand.

"Buck! Are you alright? Let me see." Lou commanded taking his hand in hers.

She looked at the redden skin. "I think we should wrap this and put some salve on it just to be safe. I wouldn't want it to get infected."

"I have some salve in my saddle bags." Buck mumbled.

Lou moved to where his saddle bags where and began rummaging through them. Her fingers closed around a piece of paper, she pulled it out and could just make out her faded handwriting on the outside of the folded sheet. A hundred thoughts ran through her mind but the one that spoke the loudest was the one that said, _'he's kept my goodbye with him after all this time… why?'_

"You find it Lou?" Buck called out.

Lou pushed the paper back into the saddle bags, only to come up with another envelope, this one addressed to Jenny. Lou closed her eyes knowing that Buck may carry a faded letter from her with him but he had Jenny waiting for him back in St. Joe. She pushed that envelope back into the bag and finally found the little tin. "Yeah I've got it."

Lou tried to hide the confusion and hurt she was feeling from Buck. She knew Buck would read in her eyes all her thoughts so she kept her eyes on the ground as she walked back to him. She sat on a log and pulled Buck's hand into her lap. Buck scooted closer to her so it would be more comfortable for him and easier for Lou. Lou sighed as she opened the tin and scooped out a fair amount of the salve. Buck shivered at Lou's delicate touch as she spread the cooling salve over his burn. Lou was having a hard time concentrating on her task with Buck so close to her. His presence alone was enough to make her yearn to be held in his strong arms. His masculine scent washed over her as she took a deep breath. He had always smelt like sunshine to Lou, it was a comforting smell to her.

Lou leaned over to rip a piece of cloth from her petticoat to use as a bandage. Buck almost lost complete control over his actions when he felt her bosom brush against his hand. He bit down hard onto his lip to keep all inappropriate thoughts and actions at bay. Buck focused his eyes on the line of her neck; he imagined what it would be like to nuzzle her there, to press a kiss on that spot where her jaw and neck met. He wanted to know what it would be like to take Lou into his arms and never have to let her go. Lou sat back up and began wrapping Buck's injured hand, when she was done she raised her eyes and met Buck's.

Buck wasn't sure what he read in Lou's eyes, was it longing, uncertainty, disappointment, hope … love? He watched as Lou bit her lower lip. He reached forward and with his thumb made her release her lip. He brushed his thumb over her lower lip wishing he could do that with his own lips. Buck felt himself leaning closer to Lou. Lou's eyes widen, her breath quicken, her heartbeat racing as she realized Buck was going to kiss her. She felt herself lean closer, her eyes closing, she knew they were mere inches away.

"Cross!" Nathan Feller shouted.

Buck jumped back in shock. "Lou … I…" Buck stuttered before Nate's voice rang out again.

"Go on Buck… I'll finish getting breakfast ready." Lou whispered.

Buck stood up and made to leave. He stopped and looked back at Lou. She was watching him with uncertain eyes. He gave her a small smile before going to see what Nathan wanted. Buck found Nathan by one of the young families' wagon.

"What is it Nate?" Buck asked irritated.

Nate looked up at him and the expression on his face. "What's got your dander up, Cross? You actually look like your name today."

Buck just glared at him. "Did you need something? I was sorta in the middle of something."

Nate looked back towards Lou's wagon and could see her working over the fire. He took note of the bandage on Buck's hand. "I thought this was a marriage in name only."

"It is … for now." Buck muttered.

Nathan laughed and clapped Buck on the shoulder. "And just what are you going to do about Jenny?"

"I've already wrote a letter to Jenny explaining… going to mail it as soon as we reach Seneca. Jenny will understand; she has always known that I didn't feel for her the way she does me." Buck said looking back over at Lou.

Nathan saw the look on Buck's face and knew there was a story there that Buck had never shared with him. "Anyway Cross … seems the Jenkins here have decided that they don't want to go all the way to Oregon. The Missus has some kin in Rock Creek and wants to settle there. Now I know we usually go around Rock Creek but I think we can make an exception this time… don't you?"

Buck looked back at Nate and smiled. "I was planning on going through Rock Creek anyway… got some family there."

"Why have we never stopped before then?" Nate asked.

Buck looked back over at Lou. "Because she wasn't there … it just wasn't the same without her."

"Just how long have you known that little lady?" Nathan asked.

"Almost twelve years. Rode for the Pony Express together. Shocked the hell out of the whole town when the truth came out that a gal was riding for the express. She married one of the other riders and he took her to the south cause he wanted to fight in the war… it's always been her." Buck stated his eyes never leaving Lou's form.

"You got it bad, Cross … but she sounds like she's worth it. A woman like that is one of a kind. Go on go eat... we need to get on the trail soon." Nathan said laughing clapping Buck on the back again.

Buck grinned and walked back over to Lou. He had plans to finish what he had begun but as soon as he reached Lou's side, he could sense the difference in her body language. Her movements were stiff and unwelcoming. She was shutting him out before he even got in. Buck sighed and sat down cursing Nate and his lousy timing. He had been so close, so close to finally tasting Lou's lips. So close to finally kissing the woman he loved. _'Damn it Nate!'_ Buck thought as Lou passed him his plate and sat down across the fire from him, never once looking at him.


	11. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

Lou cursed herself. She couldn't believe how close she had been to kissing Buck. Yes she wanted to kiss him. She wanted to kiss him more than she thought possible. But then Nathan Feller had to call Buck and break the spell that had been woven over them. It was only then that Lou thought about Jenny. She cursed herself. She wanted Buck, she wanted Buck for her own but he wasn't hers. He was Jenny's and Lou needed to remember that. She wanted him to forget about Jenny and she wanted to make him forget about Jenny. But despite everything she had already done she had never gone after a man that belonged to another woman… she couldn't do it now. Even if she wanted to… even if it was tearing her up to ignore Buck when he came back to the campfire, even as she forced herself to sit away from him and not look at him.

Lou felt Buck's eyes on her whenever he was riding by her wagon. Other times when he was ahead of the train scouting, she still felt eyes on her. When she would look though she didn't see anybody watching her. She knew Buck was confused by her behavior, by her sudden standoffishness. She just didn't know what else to do. She couldn't allow herself to get close to Buck; she couldn't let him get past that wall again. Not if she had any hope of sparing her heart when they got their annulment.

This behavior went on for two days. Neither of them really speaking to one another, always feeling each other's eyes on them when their backs were turned… also feeling like someone else was watching. When the wagon train pulled into Seneca they were given three hours to get supplies or whatever they needed.

Buck walked over to Lou, who was rummaging around her wagon. "Lou … I … I need to go mail something. Did you want to come with me?"

Lou looked up startled. That was the first time Buck had spoken to her other than at meal times. And then it was only a quiet thank you. Lou was tempted to go with him but then she remembered the letter she had found in his saddle bag … Jenny. "No that's alright … you go ahead. I think I'm going to see about getting some fresh bread from that bakery down the street. Did you want anything?"

"No … I'll be back soon," Buck stated before walking towards the post office.

Lou sighed and went her own way. She walked into the little bakery and was hit by the smells of all the baked goods. Her mouth watered in hunger at the delicious scents.

"Can I help ya miss?" A freckled face girl asked from behind the counter.

"Yes… I would like a loaf of bread," Lou said while she eyed the sweet confections.

The girl wrapped a loaf of their freshest bread, "You like anything else … them sweets are awfully good."

Lou looked at the cookies, she knew Buck had a sweet tooth and he loved snicker doodles. "Yeah give me a dozen of those snicker doodles."

Once the girl had the order boxed up, Lou paid her and went back to her wagon a smile on her face. She never noticed the man watching her every movement.

Buck walked away from Lou disappointed and relieved at the same time. He had wanted Lou to go with him but he also didn't. He needed to mail the letter to Jenny ending things and he also needed to send a telegram to Rock Creek. There were some people there that he needed to let know about Lou. He was so preoccupied in his thoughts that he never saw the man following after Lou to the bakery, he didn't see the way he leered at her, how he watched her every movement.

He walked into the post office and sent off the letter to Jenny. He had never felt so relieved as he did when that letter left his fingers. He hadn't realized how much he was dreading returning to St. Joe this time knowing he'd have to propose to Jenny. He knew he'd never have been able to go through with it … he couldn't marry someone he didn't love.

Buck walked out of the post office and went down the street to the telegraph office. A thin man with wire rimmed glasses looked up as he entered.

"Can I help you?" the man asked.

"I need to send a telegram to the marshal in Rock Creek," Buck said walking up to the desk.

The man handed Buck a piece of paper and pencil. "Just write out what you want to say."

Buck scratched the side of his face in thought. There was a lot to be said to the man that had been a father to him but in the end Buck just kept it simple. There would be time to catch up when they reached Rock Creek. Buck paid the man and left the shop. He walked back to wait by Lou's wagon but Lou had beat him back.

She smiled as Buck approached and held up a baker's box. When Buck was close enough he could smell the cinnamon. He grinned as she opened it up to reveal the snicker doodles. "Thought you'd like a little treat," Lou said softly.

"I'm surprised you remembered they are my favorite," Buck said as he picked up a cookie and bit into it. "Mmmm… these are good."

Lou smiled as she watched Buck enjoy the treat. She had always enjoyed watching Buck eat something that he really liked. His whole face showed his appreciation of the food. And the way he moaned in delight as he chewed … it made the butterflies in her stomach wake up … something they hadn't done in a very very long time. Lou reached out and brushed the crumbs off of Buck's lip after he finished chewing.

"Lou … I … thank you … for the cookies," Buck said sighing when he failed to say what he really wanted.

Lou forced the smile on her face to stay in place and nodded. "You're welcome Buck … I … um… Jenny is a lucky woman," Lou whispered before turning away and climbing into her wagon.

Buck's mouth dropped open at Lou's mention of Jenny and the despondent way she said that. Was it possible that Lou was beginning to have feelings for him and because she thought he was in love with Jenny was putting distance between them. Buck felt a smile tug at his lips. If that was the case, he'd just have to woo Lou even harder, leave her with no doubt that he was the man for her and when the time was right tell her everything.

Meanwhile in Rock Creek, Teaspoon Hunter was sitting in the marshal's office with his feet propped up on the desk and his hat hanging over his face. To anybody looking it would appear that the marshal was fast asleep but to those that knew Teaspoon, they would see the tall tale sign that he was aware of everything happening around him.

"Polly my dear, don't just stand there, come on in and tell me what has my pretty little woman here this time of day." Teaspoon said without moving the hat from his face.

"Maybe I just wanted to see my sugar lips," Polly said as she walked over and plucked the hat from Teaspoon's head.

Teaspoon grinned and reached around Polly's waist pulling her onto his lap. He kissed her soundly. "Now what really brings you down here?"

Polly reached into her pocket and pulled out a telegram. "I happen to be at the general store when this came in for ya, the boy gave it to me instead of sending a messenger to you."

Teaspoon took the message from his wife and looked at it. It was addressed to Marshal Hunter, Rock Creek. He figured it was something job related so he wasn't looking forward to what the telegram held. Opening it he read the simple message three times.

Teaspoon. Will be in Rock Creek in a week. Lou's with me. Buck.

Teaspoon jumped to his feet completely forgetting about Polly still sitting on his lap. "Hot Damn!"

Polly who had somehow managed to catch herself stood up. "You better have a good reason for almost dropping me on my bottom Teaspoon," She said with her hands on her hips.

Teaspoon picked Polly up and swung her around in a circle before planting a huge kiss on her lips. "My boy and girl are finally coming home."

"What are you talking about Sugar lips?" Polly asked.

"Buck! He's going to be here in about a week and he's got Lou with him." Teaspoon exclaimed. "I've got to go tell Rachel!"

Polly just laughed as she watched the love of her life bound down the steps and towards the school house like a man half his age. It had been a long time since she had seen Teaspoon in such good spirits. She knew how he had worried over those two children for years. She didn't know how Lou came to be with Buck but she knew she'd find out in a week. She just hoped that whatever the reason neither one of them had ever returned to Rock Creek was behind them. She also wondered why Lou was with Buck and where Kid was. _'Well guess I'll find out in a week.'_ Polly thought before she walked out of the marshal's office and headed to her saloon.


	12. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

That night things were still a little strained between Buck and Lou. Buck was debating whether or not to tell Lou that they would be passing through Rock Creek in a week or try to surprise her. He knew if he told her they were going through she would question why he had never gone through it in the past, he wasn't ready to tell her that just yet. So in the end Buck decided not to tell her.

As they were sitting around the campfire Lou got a smile on her face, her eyes focusing on something that wasn't there. Buck wondered what she was thinking about.

"What's on your mind Lou?" Buck asked quietly.

Lou's eyes lost their faraway look and focused on Buck. "Just remembering the day ya'll saw me as a _'girl'_ for the first time. I'd never seen so many shocked expressions before in my life."

Buck smiled as he remember how pretty Lou looked in that pink dress. "I don't think any of the guys really thought about you being a girl before that. I was terrified that Emma was going to tell Teaspoon."

"I remember you asking about him. You thought I was pretty didn't you Buck?" Lou asked.

"Was? You still are. But that day … I had never seen anything so pretty before. I think we all fall in love with you a little bit right then," Buck said quietly a blush forming on his face.

Lou looked down and blushed. "A lot has changed since then. I've changed."

"Yes you have but you haven't as well. You've grown more beautiful but your spirit is still there, you are still Lou," Buck stated.

"You really think so Buck? Because I haven't felt like 'Lou' in a long time. I was scared I'd never find her again," Lou whispered.

"She's still in there, been there all along. She had to have been for you to have gone through what you did and still come out the other side fighting. But I will tell you this … I've been a lot of places in this country, seen a lot of beautiful sights, seen a lot of pretty ladies but not a one compared to you that day coming down those stairs," Buck said looking at Lou begging her to let him in.

Lou smiled sadly and wiped the tear that escaped, off her cheek with the back of her hand. "That has to be the nicest thing anybody has ever said to me…I… I best be getting to bed."

Buck watched as Lou hurried into the back of her wagon. He cursed himself for scaring her, he had moved too quickly. He sighed, he had time, the journey was just beginning, and there was still plenty of time before they reach Oregon. Still plenty of time to make Lou his wife in all ways, to make her love him.

Over the course of the next few days things improved between them as far as communication went. They would spend meal times reminiscing about the Express, telling stories of runs or things they had done as a family. Buck would tell Lou of some of the adventures he had been on well working as a scout for the wagon trains. Lou would tell him of some of the cons she had ran, she didn't really like to remember that part of her life but she didn't have a lot of happy stories to share.

When they were about two days out of Rock Creek, Lou finally said something to Buck about their location. "Buck we're going to pass through Rock Creek ain't we?" Lou asked as they sat around their campfire.

Buck looked up at Lou and grinned, "I was wondering how long it'd take you to realize that."

"But didn't you say you hadn't been back since the day you left… why not? When the wagon train goes right through it, how did you avoid it and why?" Lou asked confused.

"In the past I led the wagons on a different route that bypassed Rock Creek and shaved some time off our trail," Buck said not fully answering the question.

"But why are we going there now?" Lou asked. She was dreading going there and looking forward to it at the same time.

"There's a family with our group that has decided they didn't want to go all the way to Oregon, the wife has family in Rock Creek and wants to settle there. I figured we could go through this once… besides I'd kinda like to see Teaspoon and Rachel, wouldn't you?" Buck asked.

"I …I … I do but I don't. What if they are disappointed in me? And what are we going to tell them about us?" Lou asked.

"We tell them the truth… I married you so you could stay with the train. And they won't be disappointed in you." Buck stated.

"Why have you never gone back?" Lou asked.

"It just wasn't the same anymore. Everybody was going their own ways. You and Kid had gone to the south. Cody was off with the army. Jimmy didn't stick around. Noah and Ike were both gone. I was the only one left and as much as I love Teaspoon I never wanted to be a lawman, I just couldn't stay there," Buck explained.

"That's why you left, but not, why you didn't go back for a visit at least," Lou pointed out.

"I just couldn't Lou…it hurt too much to go back there knowing … knowing…" Buck choked out his voice thick with emotion.

"Knowing that Ike was gone … that the family we had made was gone. But Teaspoon was there and Rachel. They were part of that family. I don't understand why you wouldn't at least pass through with the wagons and at least say hi," Lou said genuinely confused.

"Because I couldn't Lou!" Buck exclaimed. "Let's leave it at that. It just hurt too damn much to go back there."

"Are you going to be alright going there now?" Lou asked quietly.

"Yeah … I've got you with me," Buck said the last part barely more than a whisper that Lou wasn't sure she was meant to hear.

Shortly thereafter she excused herself to go to bed. As she laid there under her covers she thought about things. Buck was hiding something from her. Something happened after she had left that he didn't want her to know about. There was more behind his reasoning for not going back than the lack of family there but she didn't have a clue what it could be and why would it make a difference for her to be with him this time? What did her presence do that made it ok for him to go back? Lou had never been more confused in her life. She wondered why things had to be so complicated.

It had been just over a week since Teaspoon had gotten the telegram saying Buck was coming and Lou was with him. He started waiting for the stage coach three days ago in hopes they would be early. So when he saw Buck's familiar form astride a horse leading twenty some wagons into the middle of town he was floored. True he knew that Buck had been working as a scout on wagon trains he just hadn't made the connection that was how Buck would be coming into town.

Buck halted his horse directly in front of Teaspoon, not saying a word but giving him a crooked smile before he dismounted and walked to the second wagon in line. Teaspoon watched as Buck reached up and assisted a woman down. Teaspoon's eyes widen when he realized that the woman was the girl he had called his own.

"Lou!" Teaspoon hollered before rushing over to her wagon and sweeping her off her feet and into a big bear hug.

"Teaspoon!" Lou cried as she hugged him fiercely, tears streaming down her face.

Teaspoon set Lou down and cupped her face between his work roughened hands. "You sure are a sight for sore eyes little missy. I done thought I'd never see you again. Near about broke my heart the day you and the Kid left. Where is the Kid?" Teaspoon asked looking around for signs of the chestnut haired rider.

"He's dead Teaspoon," Lou said quietly.

"War?" Teaspoon asked.

"He got wounded in the last battle, died of infection on the way home." Lou said simply.

"I'm sorry girly… why didn't you come home?" Teaspoon asked.

"I wasn't sure I'd be welcomed," Lou stated.

Teaspoon was shocked by her answer and shot a questioning look to Buck. Buck just shook his head letting Teaspoon know he'd fill him in later. "Nonsense girl, this is your home and you are always welcome here. Come on let's get you over to Rachel's, she'll be tickled pink to have you back."

"I'm not back for good Teaspoon … we're only here for the night. The wagon train is pulling out in the morning … right Buck?" Lou asked looking at Buck.

"The wagon train is pulling out in the morning but if you wanted to stay here I wouldn't blame you," Buck said quietly though it killed him to think of leaving her behind.

"I'm only here for tonight Teaspoon," Lou stated again.

"Buck, my boy, you've become a man since you've been gone... I can't believe it's been ten years," Teaspoon said looking at the Kiowa.

"I'm sorry I haven't been back," Buck said quietly.

Teaspoon looked at Buck before pulling him into a bear hug as well. "I know son... it hurt too bad to be here. I understand but you're here now and you've brought Lou back to us … not sure how you done that but I'm sure I'll find out."

Buck and Lou both looked down and blushed. Teaspoon looked between the two of them and wondered just what he was missing. Figuring he wouldn't get the story until they were all together he helped Lou back up into her wagon and climbed up beside her. "Come on let's get over to Rachel's… Polly is over there. We thought you'd be here yesterday."

"Sorry Teaspoon, we got delayed by the weather." Buck said as he led his horse and Teaspoon's over to the wagon. After tying Teaspoon's horse to the back of Lou's wagon Buck mounted his own and then they all headed off towards Rachel's.


	13. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

Lou found herself pressed up against Teaspoon's side, his arm around her shoulders holding her in place, almost as if he was afraid she'd disappear if he let her go. She watched him as he constantly looked over at Buck to make sure he was still riding beside her wagon. Lou looked at his aged face and literally watched the years melt away as he smiled, well beamed really at having two of his children home again, even if it was just for the evening. Now that she knew she was still welcome there, Lou was determined that she would stay in touch. She had a half of a thought to just stay in Rock Creek but catching sight of Buck, she knew it would hurt too much to let him go on without her. She knew it would probably be better if she did stay but she just couldn't. Every day she spent with Buck just made her want to spend another and another. She wasn't ready to say goodbye to him, she didn't think she'd ever be again. But when she thought about it she had never been ready to say goodbye to him in the first place, she hadn't been ready to say goodbye to any of them.

Teaspoon squeezed Lou's shoulder making her look back up at him instead of at Buck. He smiled down at her and then nodded towards the house they were approaching. "I think there's a lady inside there that wants to see you," Teaspoon said.

Lou looked at the small house and froze. She couldn't move as she stared at the single story white house with a little picket fence around it. The house just screamed home to Lou, even though she had never set foot in it. Lou felt the tears well up again as the door opened and Rachel stepped out on the porch. Lou looked at her as she shielded her eyes from the sun to see who had come calling; she hadn't aged a day it seemed to Lou.

Rachel looked up at the wagon that had pulled up to her house and immediately spotted Teaspoon. Her eyes shifted until they landed on the small woman beside him. Rachel's mouth dropped open in a gasp and her hands flew to her mouth as she was overcome with the emotions she felt at seeing Lou again. It only took a moment for her to recover before she was rushing to the side of the wagon to pull Lou down into a hug.

Lou practically fell out of the wagon and into Rachel's arms. Both women clinging to one another and openly sobbing. "Rachel…I've miss you … I ..." Lou said in between sobs.

Rachel just clung to Lou even harder. "I never thought I'd see you again." She said before pushing away to hold Lou at arm's length so she could look at her. "You look beautiful Louise, you're all grown up."

"You haven't changed a bit Rachel. It's so good to see you again," Lou said as she hugged her again.

"Do I get a hug too?" Buck asked from behind Lou's shoulder.

Rachel looked up and smiled. She let go of Lou only long enough to pull Buck into the embrace with one arm. Buck slipped one arm around Lou's back and the other around Rachel, who had one arm around him and one around Lou.

"Buck you've become a real handsome man … though you always were a good looking boy. I know several girls who had their eyes on you back when the express was running," Rachel said.

Buck just laughed while Lou narrowed her eyes at Rachel. "None of those girls were good enough for Buck," Lou muttered.

"No I don't think they were Lou… but even if they were Buck never noticed them. Did ya Buck, you only ever had eyes for one girl in particular?" Rachel teased looking at Buck.

Buck blushed as he pulled away from the women. Lou moved to Rachel's side so she could see Buck's face. "Oh really? How come I didn't know about this girl, I thought we told each other everything back then?" Lou asked.

"Um … I … um … Hey Teaspoon you need a hand with anything?" Buck asked over his shoulder to the man who was still sitting in the wagon laughing.

"Nope don't reckon I do there Buck, I think you best just suck it up and deal with the women," Teaspoon said.

"Some help you are," Buck muttered before turning back to face the girls.

Lou was staring at him, her eyebrow arched waiting for an answer. Rachel was just looking between the two of them grinning. When she saw the cornered look on Buck's face she decided to give him a break. "I was just teasing Buck, Louise. Why don't we all go into the house? I'm sure ya'll are hungry."

Buck breathed a sigh of relief when Lou nodded her head and let Rachel led them inside. Teaspoon followed behind grinning like a cat that ate the cream. He could see that Buck was still very much in love with Lou and if he wasn't missing his guess, he thought Lou just might be developing some feelings for Buck. Teaspoon hoped that was the case. He also knew they had something to tell them.

After supper that evening they all were sitting around the table drinking coffee and talking about things. Lou had told them everything she had gone through and just like Buck had said, it didn't matter to them, she was still family, and still loved. But they still had not told them about their marriage.

Teaspoon leaned back in his chair, hooking a finger under his suspenders before clearing his throat to get their attention. "Lou you told us everything that you have been through but you haven't told us how you came to be on Buck's wagon train, now I don't know much but I do know they'd never let a single woman join up."

Buck about choked on the sip of water he had just taken when Teaspoon asked that question. Lou looked at him, her eyes panicked. Buck gave her a small smile and nod to encourage her. "Well umm I didn't sign up as a single woman … I signed up as Hunter Cain, a single man."

Teaspoon barked out a laugh at her confession. "Well I'm right honored you used my name darling, but you are clearly not pretending to be a man no more … what changed?"

"A boy spied on me and announced to the whole group that I was a gal. We'd only been on the trail half a day so the wagon master threatened to send me back to St. Joe. I refused to go back. So he came up with a compromise. If I wanted to stay on the wagon train I had to marry. He offered to marry me and so did another man on the train. I didn't want to marry either of them. The wagon master seems alright but you'd have to see him Rachel, he looks like a wild man. And the other guy gives me the creeps. I was panicking, I didn't want to go back to St. Joe but I wasn't sure I'd could marry either of those men when all of a sudden I hear a voice say, 'I'll marry her'. I would have recognized Buck's voice anywhere. So I agreed to marry Buck 'in name only' so we can get it annulled once we reach Oregon, since he's courting Jenny." Lou explained.

Rachel was trying her best not to laugh at the miserable looks on both their faces when Lou said the _'in name only'_ part. Polly wasn't even trying, she was chuckling quietly under her breath and Teaspoon was just staring at the two of them in shock.

"Well now I wasn't expecting that," Teaspoon said.

"Sounds just like Buck, coming to rescue the damsel in distress," Polly teased.

"I can see why you'd agree to marry him instead of those other two men, if I was a several years younger I'd marry him myself," Rachel said winking at Buck who just blushed.

"Are ya sure you want to keep it in name only Louise … Buck's a mighty fine looking man," Polly added.

Lou fidgeted under their stares while Buck was turning even redder. Teaspoon decided to take pity on the boy, besides he wanted to speak with him privately anyway. "Buck, my boy, why don't we leave these beautiful ladies in here to gossip while we go outside for a smoke."

"I don't smoke Teaspoon, you know that," Buck stated.

"Well come on with me anyway … or did you want to be teased some more?" Teaspoon asked arching his eyebrow.

Buck pushed away from the table. "Dinner was wonderful Rachel."

"Thank you Buck, you two don't stay out there too long, I've got a cobbler for dessert," Rachel said.

"Yes ma'am," Buck said before leaving the house with Teaspoon.

Lou watched as Buck left with the man she considered her father before turning back to see the smirks on the two older women's faces. "What?" She asked.

They both just grinned wider. "What?" Lou asked again.

"You don't want to keep it in name only do you Lou?" Polly asked.

Lou blushed and looked down. "Is it that obvious?" she whispered.

Rachel giggled, "Only to us. Buck doesn't have a clue. Why don't you tell him you want a real marriage?"

"I can't Rachel. Buck deserves better than me …besides he has Jenny," Lou stated quietly.

"Lou, honey, why do you think you're not good enough for Buck … because of the things you did to survive? Trust me honey, Buck don't care about your past. He cares about you." Rachel said.

"But he has Jenny; he's been courting her for a year. I know they are going to get married," Lou argued.

"Have you asked Buck how he feels about Jenny?" Polly asked.

"No … but I don't need to. I found a letter for her in his saddle bags when I was looking for some salve. He cares for her," Lou whispered. "I can't let this marriage become real … I can't trap Buck to me when he loves someone else."

"Louise … I can't tell you what to do, but I do suggest you talk to Buck about how you feel, about how he feels for Jenny … and more importantly how he feels for you." Rachel said softly, knowing Buck still loved Lou. He had told her that Lou would always be the one for him.

Lou just looked at Rachel and knew she was probably right but she couldn't do it, not yet. She couldn't open herself up to being hurt by Buck. Besides if she let down that wall and let Buck in completely she would lose her heart to him completely and if he didn't want her it would devastate her… no it would be better just to stay quiet about her attraction to him.

Meanwhile outside, Buck followed Teaspoon over to back of Lou's wagon. Teaspoon let down the gate so they could sit down. Teaspoon pulled a cigar out of his pocket and lit it before looking up at the stars.

"You know they say if you wish on a falling star your dreams come true," Teaspoon said looking at Buck out of the corner of his eye.

"So I've heard," Buck stated grinning at the old man.

"Makes me wonder just how many of them stars you've wished on to get that little lady in there," Teaspoon teased.

"Probably not enough," Buck muttered.

"What makes you say that?" Teaspoon asked.

"You heard her; it's a marriage in name only."

"You still love her."

"Never stopped, I told you when I left that it had always been her. That's why I never came back. I couldn't stand the thought of her not being here… it hurt too much Teaspoon," Buck whispered, choking on the tears.

"I know son … I didn't understand back then just how much you cared for her. I should have let you go after the stage; I should have gone after it with you. Maybe we could have talked some sense into the Kid… I don't know but it might have made a difference. At least now we have Lou back … we have you back," Teaspoon stated, his own emotions threatening to choke him.

"I don't know what to do Teaspoon. In some ways I think Lou would be better off if I left her here but it kills me to even consider it. But the thought of getting all the way to Oregon and then having to leave her there alone and annulling the marriage it hurts even more," Buck said as he hung his head.

"Have you told her how you feel son? Does she know you have loved her all this time, that you want a real marriage? Or do you plan on taking advantage of her and then leaving her behind while you go back to marry Jenny," Teaspoon asked.

"Teaspoon! You know me better than that! I love Lou, I always have, and I have no intentions of taking advantage of her or of marrying Jenny. If we ever do have relations it's going to be with the knowledge that I love her and she loves me. Until that time it's not going to happen. It probably never will," Buck exclaimed.

"I know you wouldn't do that son. You're a good man. You'd never do anything to hurt a woman, especially Louise. But you really should tell her and you never know … she just may have feelings for you," Teaspoon said before looking back up at the stars. "Look a falling star …" He whispered before hopping off the back of the wagon and leaving Buck alone with his thoughts.

Buck looked up just in time to see the star. He closed his eyes as he made another wish that Lou would be his. Maybe this time the wish would be granted.


	14. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

That night Rachel led Lou into her guest bedroom. "Here you go honey, you can sleep here tonight." Rachel said as she turned down the blankets.

"Thank you Rachel … for everything." Lou said quietly before Rachel kissed her forehead and left her alone.

Lou stripped down to her chemise before crawling into the soft feather bed. Lou couldn't remember the last time she had slept in such a comfortable bed. Sleep came easily to Lou, but unfortunately it wasn't the peaceful sleep she longed for.

_Lou felt a smile grace her face as she rolled over in the soft feather bed. She could hear Rachel humming in the kitchen as she fixed breakfast. Lou stretched her arms over her head as she sat up, her eyes catching sight of the white gown she would be wearing in a few hours. She was going to marry the Kid. All her dreams would come true then. They would buy some property, start a ranch, get her siblings out of the orphanage, and be a family. _

_She looked at the dress again and felt the scenery shift. She was standing before a mirror looking at herself in her gown. She felt like a princess. She couldn't wait for Kid to see her like this, to see the lady she really was. Jesse came in and took her arm leading her down the stairs of Rachel's house. She was standing on the steps of the little white church before she knew it. Jesse smiled at her as they heard the music change inside the building. The doors opened and they walked in._

_Lou saw the men in her life, the men she called her brothers, the man she called her father, the man she loved, stand up at the front. There was one missing though. She started walking with Jesse, about halfway up the aisle the back doors opened. Lou turned to see Jimmy striding in. He apologized for being late and took his spot on her arm where Jesse had been previously. Jimmy passed her over to the man she loved. She gazed up into his cobalt blue eyes, he was promising her the world he was going to make all her dreams come true._

_The scene shifted again and Lou found herself outside the church a newly married woman. She felt perfectly happy. She kissed her brothers and then the war arrived. A soldier died at her feet. She was riding a horse; then shooting at some men, and then she was helping Buck pull Cody to safety. Then she was between Buck and Kid burying another of their brothers. _

_Lou was in a field, she was wearing her white wedding gown, only now she didn't feel like a princess. She felt like an angel of death. Her gown was ripped and torn; blood coated the front, only it wasn't her blood. She looked down and found her arms holding the head of a chestnut haired, blue eyed man known only as the Kid. He reached up, brushed his thumb across her cheek wiping away the tears that were falling. _

_"I'm sorry, honey … I wasn't there when you needed me. I'm sorry I didn't make your dreams come true." Kid whispered before his eyes shut one final time._

_Lou cried leaning over his body holding him to her. "Kid… No … don't leave me."_

_She sat up and looked down at the bloody and broken body in her arms; only it wasn't Kid no more … It was Buck. She knew he was dying; there was no way he could live after losing that much blood._

_"I'm sorry, honey … I wasn't there when you needed me. I'm sorry I never told you…" Buck whispered with his final breath caressing her cheek as her eyes closed, the tears falling heavily down her cheeks._

"Lou, honey, you've got to wake up. We have to get back to the wagon train," Buck whispered as he gentle shook her shoulder.

"Louise, if you want to continue on to Oregon you have to get up. If you want to stay here I'd understand but I need to know. I have to get back to the wagon train or Nathan is going to have kittens," Buck said quietly as he caressed her soft cheek.

Lou's eyes were closed as she felt the caress and realized she wasn't dreaming anymore. Lou slowly opened her eyes and met Buck's, causing her to gasp in shock. He was looking at her as if she was the only woman in the world. It scared her, she couldn't go through that again … she couldn't risk that dream coming true. She pulled away from him. "Alright I'm up. Can you step out please so I can get dressed?"

Buck pulled his hand back, his face hardening as he hid the hurt he felt at Lou pulling away from him. He gave her a little smile before getting to his feet. "Yeah … I'll wait for you outside."

Lou watched him leave; as soon as the door closed she started crying. She wanted to stay with Rachel, Teaspoon, and Polly. She didn't want to go to Oregon. She wanted to stay with family. But she also didn't want to stay. There were too many memories of Kid here. She'd never be able to truly start over if she stayed in Rock Creek. Plus if she stayed she'd have to give up Buck. She knew that's what she should do, she couldn't let him in, she couldn't risk being hurt, but she just couldn't give him up … not yet.

Buck stepped outside of Rachel's little house and went over to his horse. He rested his head on the side of the horse's neck and sighed.

"You know something, Buck… that girl has been through some powerful hurt. Her spirit has been cracked in a lot of places. She's built walls up around her heart and is terrified of letting people in. She's afraid she isn't good enough anymore, that she isn't worth being wanted. She's afraid of losing herself and her heart all over again. She's afraid of being hurt. You have to help her to trust again. She'll push you away but you have to keep coming back. She may not be ready to hear the words but sometimes actions speak louder anyway," Rachel said from behind him.

Buck turned to look at the woman standing there in her nightgown with nothing but a shawl wrapped around her shoulders. "What if she doesn't want me, Rachel? I was so set on telling her everything and she pulled away from me. I could almost see the wall being built up between us."

"Buck, honey, you got to trust me on this. Lou wants you … she may not realize just yet just how much she cares for you but she will. She may push you away but it's to protect herself from the hurt she thinks she'll get if she lets you past those walls. You can't let her. Just be yourself, Buck, keep doing the things I know you always did to tell her of your feelings. When she finally admits it to herself that she loves you, there won't be nothing that can keep you apart," Rachel said quietly putting her hand to his cheek.

"When did you get to be so smart, Rachel?" Buck asked with a slight smirk.

Rachel laughed, "I'm not so smart, Buck… I just know how Lou feels. I've been there before. That's how I felt before I met my Henry. Henry had to woo me for a long time before I finally let him past my defenses. It's a good thing you're patient, Buck, because you are going to need every bit of patience you have."

"I was afraid you'd say that," Buck muttered just before Lou came out of the house.

Lou stepped out onto the porch and took in the sight of Rachel in her night clothes talking to Buck. The fact that they both stopped talking when she came out set her teeth on edge, she felt like she was missing something and she didn't like it.

Rachel walked over to Lou and pulled her into a hug. "I wish you could stay here, but I know you need a fresh start. I've missed you so much; promise me you'll stay in touch this time. I don't think I could take losing you again."

"I promise Rachel, I wish I could stay too… I just can't," Lou cried against Rachel's shoulder.

Rachel kissed the top of Lou's head. "Let him in Lou, please," She whispered.

"I can't," Lou whispered back tears filling her eyes.

Rachel just shook her head as she let Lou go. She turned and leaned against a post as she watched Lou walk over to Buck who helped her into the wagon before climbing up next to her, his horse tied to the back. She hugged herself as they both waved goodbye and began to pull away. Rachel felt the tears roll down her cheeks as she watched the distance eat the wagon holding her riders.

"Let him in Lou … let him in," She whispered into the still morning before turning back to go inside.

Lou forced herself to sit as straight as a board as they left Rachel's yard. She had to fight the urge to lean into Buck's side and cry over leaving Rock Creek again. She had to resist the part of herself that wanted to close the distance between them on the seat. She wanted to do as Rachel said and let Buck in … she just couldn't, she couldn't open herself up to that kind of hurt again.

As they neared the group of wagons Lou spotted Teaspoon waiting for them. Buck parked the wagon at the beginning of the line and then climbed down helping Lou down behind him. They both walked over to Teaspoon who was holding a basket in his hands.

"Polly sent some food," Teaspoon said holding the basket out.

Lou took it and set it down beside her before reaching around Teaspoon's waist and holding him tightly. Teaspoon put his arms around her and held her just as tightly. "Teaspoon … I … I …" Lou cried hugging him.

"I know baby girl … I love you too … you've always been a daughter to me … it's done this old man's heart good to see you again … to see both of you again," Teaspoon said stepping back so he could see Lou and Buck's faces.

"I'm going to miss you Teaspoon," Lou said quietly.

"Me too honey, me too," Teaspoon stated patting her cheek.

He turned to Buck and held out his hand. Buck took it and was pulled into a hug. "You take care of her, son," Teaspoon whispered.

"With my life, always," Buck said quietly.

"Ride safe … both of you."

With one last hug for them both, Teaspoon mounted up and rode away, tears falling down his weathered face. Buck put his arm around Lou's shoulders as they watched him ride off, as soon as Teaspoon was out of sight Lou pulled away and picked up the basket of food he had brought them. Buck watched her walk away and sighed. He knew what Rachel told him was probably the truth but it still hurt for her to pull away. They had been getting so close before Rock Creek, but now it seemed they were further apart than they had been to begin with. Rachel was definitely right about one thing … it was a good thing he was patient, he was going to need every bit of patience he possessed to break down Lou's walls.

Rachel had told him to be himself, to keep doing the things he had always done to let Lou know his feelings … Buck snorted, yeah that had worked all those years ago, but then again he didn't have Kid to compete with this time… Buck smiled; he wasn't giving up. He'd do everything he could to show Lou he cared and when she was ready to let him in, he'd be there.


	15. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

In the days following leaving Rock Creek things were strained between the two. Lou was quiet and would keep a distance between them. Buck was quiet as he prayed to the spirits for patience with Lou and to help him reach past her walls.

Slowly, as the further away from Rock Creek they got the more relaxed Lou became. The more talkative, the more like her old self. They spent many an evening sitting around their campfire talking about anything and everything, but there was still that invisible wall between them that Lou would hide behind if Buck started to give any indication of his true feelings to her with his words.

So Buck did what he did best, he told Lou his feelings through his actions just like Rachel suggested. Lou was more receptive to those because she could ignore the meaning behind them. During the day as they travelled Buck would often stop and gather wildflowers and return to Lou's wagon and give them to her. Lou would take them with a small smile, her eyes often betraying her as to the feelings she was so desperately trying to deny would show.

At night Buck would take care of her animals and many a times he would bring in small game for fresh meat and cook it over the open fire while Lou would go to bath in the nearby water that they always tried to camp by. And when she would turn in for the night and after he got done with his watch, he would lie beside her wagon and sing softly in Kiowa to her when the nightmares came, she never said anything about them and never acknowledged his song but it never failed that once he started singing she would calm and sleep peacefully.

Buck watched as each day Lou grew stronger, her spirit healing through his faithful presence and steadfast determination to bring her back from the dark place she had lived in for the past ten years. When before Buck knew it they were almost halfway through their journey, having just passed through Sweetwater, they would be crossing the Green River in roughly a week the true halfway mark. Buck could see the way Lou's eyes would light up when he was near, he could see her response to his actions, he could see that wall slowly start to break down. It was just a matter of time now; he just had to be patient a little while longer.

Lou stretched her arms over her head trying to work the stiffness out of her lower back. She was glad they were finally stopping for the day, she was tired and cranky and just longed to have a bath, and it had been a few days since she had been able to get one. But as always as the group made camp it was the men that got to have baths first as they took the little boys with them after taking care of the animals while the women went about preparing the food to cook.

Lou smiled as she watched Buck coming into the camp, a pair of quails hanging from his hands. During the past few weeks, well months really, Buck had done everything he could to get her to open up to him and she found herself doing that more and more. There had been many of times when he would come back with some fresh meat and would send her off to bathe while he cooked, he couldn't do that tonight since they were only camped next to a small pond she would have to wait like all the rest of the women.

Buck gave Lou a soft smile as he sat and began preparing the birds for cooking. Lou found herself wandering closer to Buck as he work. She watched his every movement. She wanted to let him in, she wanted not to be scared anymore but she was … she was terrified that if she let him past her walls she would only end up losing him and that would devastate her.

Buck felt Lou's eyes on him and looked up. He could see the fear and pain still there but also a longing, a longing to not be afraid anymore. He knew he was reaching her, he just wished he could do something more to allow her to really open herself up to him. He gave her a soft smile; he wanted to reach out to her but knew she would just pull away like all the times before.

"Tired Lou?" He asked softly.

"Yeah … it's hard to believe we have been on the trail for almost three months. We're almost halfway there," Lou said sitting down near him but still putting distance between them.

"Are you wishing we were there already?" Buck asked smiling at her as he put the birds over the fire.

Lou looked at him. She knew once they reached Oregon she would be losing Buck, he'd be going back to St. Joe … back to Jenny. She should be happy for him, happy that he found someone, but she couldn't be. She knew she couldn't let him in but she wanted to, she didn't want to lose him, but she was afraid she would lose him anyway if she did let him in. So yes while she was looking forward to getting to Oregon so she could start over, she was also dreading it because it would mean saying goodbye to Buck.

"No," She said quietly.

Buck looked up surprised by her answer but she was already turning away from him, the invisible wall between them standing tall. Buck sighed; he just didn't know how to get past that wall permanently. He could peek over it sometimes but she would always build it up taller. He went back to preparing their meal.

After supper, Lou slipped off to bathe the trail dust off and to think. Would it really be so bad to let Buck in? Was it worth the risk to her heart to do so? Was protecting her heart from the unknown really worth the risk of never finding happiness? Could she really let Buck leave when they reached Oregon? Did she really have any right to try and keep him? Did she really want to spend the rest of her life alone because she was too afraid to admit what was in her heart? Was it already too late? Was she already in love with Buck? If she was, there would be no way to avoid the pain, she would either have to let him go or let him in and take the risk of losing him to some unseen force.

Lou was so lost in her thoughts as she bathed that she never realized she was being watched. That she was being stalked by something more dangerous than any animal … a man with no remorse. A man that just took what he wanted when he wanted it, a man that meant her harm.


	16. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

Lou sighed as she walked out of the pond, she had been gone far longer than she had planned, the sun had completely set and it had gotten quite dark. Quickly finding her clothes, Lou dried off and dressed. She felt the hair on the back of her neck stand on end as she stepped onto the path that led back to the wagons. A sick feeling of dread settled into her stomach as she picked up the pace and hurried towards the safety of the camp.

She had not gone more than a few paces when a large shadow stepped out in front of her blocking her way. Lou let out a surprised squeak as she took in the sight of Roger Weston, leering at her. She had seen the look on his face before, only on a different man many years ago. He was looking at her the way Wicks had just before she had been raped. Lou began to tremble as she took a step back, wishing she still wore her gun.

"What … what … do you …want?" Lou stuttered out in fear.

Weston sneered at her as he took a step closer, his hands going to his belt to unbuckle it. "I want to teach you how a real woman acts… it's time you had a real man."

Weston lunged for her, but Lou was too fast. She managed to slip under his arms and sprint away. Lou felt a huge hand grab her arm roughly and spin her back around. She found herself pulled against Weston's hard chest.

"Please don't do this," Lou begged.

"You'll be begging me differently soon enough little girl," Roger sneered before crushing his mouth to hers.

Lou struggled against him and managed to bring her knee up smashing it into his groin. Weston let out a yelp of pain before he back handed Lou knocking her to the ground. Lou whimpered in pain as she landed on her backside.

"You little whore! You'll pay for that," He yelled stepping closer to her.

Lou trembled in fear of the man. She knew this would not end well for her.

* * *

Buck was beginning to worry. The sun was setting and Lou was not back from the water hole. All the other women had returned but not Lou. He knew she was capable of looking after herself and had just gone to the bathing area. It's not like she hadn't done it before. But still he just couldn't shake this feeling that Lou needed him, that something was wrong, but he also knew Lou would be furious with him if he came spying on her. He'd give her a few more minutes.

No sooner than he made up his mind to give her a few more minutes was he hit with a really bad feeling. Something was really not right. "Oh hell with it." Buck muttered tossing out his coffee before standing up.

Buck grabbed his gun belt and put it back on as he left the camp and headed for the pond. He walked down the path and felt the darkness close in on him. The feeling in his stomach getting worse with each minute that went by. Buck picked up the pace and almost had a stroke when he heard a whimper of pain and then a man shout. As Buck rounded the corner he saw a sight that had his blood run cold, as he saw Roger Weston towering over Lou who was trembling on the ground.

Without a second thought, Buck pulled his knife from his boot and let it fly. It struck the dirt right between Weston's legs. By the time Weston looked up, Buck had his gun drawn and aimed at him.

"You touch my woman again and next time I won't miss!" Buck said in steely cold voice as he approached Weston to retrieve his knife, his eyes never leaving Weston.

After slipping the knife back into his boot, Buck knelt by Lou, looking at her just long enough to see if she was injured. "You alright?"

"I think so," She whimpered.

Buck put his hands under her arms and helped her up, placing her behind his back as they backed away from Weston, Buck keeping the gun on him at all times.

Roger sneered at Buck. "She ain't your woman, Cross. If she was you'd of already claimed her … and we all know you haven't done that. What's the matter breed? Can't get it up? Not man enough to take what you want?"

Buck ignored him and turned his back to him, just wanting to get Lou as far away from Weston as possible.

"Why don't you give her to someone who knows how to use a woman?" Weston taunted.

Buck's shoulders stiffened and he fought to control his temper. "Or is it that she just don't want to be saddled with a dirty breed like you?"

Buck lost it then; he turned back to Weston and punched him hard, knocking Weston to the ground. "You stay the hell away from _my_ wife and away from me!"

Weston started laughing, "She'll never be yours, Cross! You might as well give her up now."

"You wanna bet?" Buck muttered darkly before turning to Lou.

Lou squeaked in surprise when Buck pulled her roughly but gently against his chest. His eyes were a stormy mixture of emotion before his mouth descended and crashed against hers in dominance. Lou had never in her whole life been kissed with such intensity. She was so stunned that she didn't react at first and then her whole insides melted as she sagged against Buck and moaned into his mouth as her hands went into his hair.

Buck broke the kiss all too soon for Lou's liking and scooped her up into his arms, carrying her back to the camp. As soon as the light from the fires hit her face, Buck could see the bruise already forming. He wanted to go back and kill Weston but knew he couldn't. He sat Lou gently down by their fire, and touched her cheek gently. Lou flinched at his touch.

"I'm sorry, honey … I should have come looking for you sooner," Buck whispered.

"You came in time Buck," Lou said quietly.

Buck leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Lou's forehead. "I need to go speak with Nate. I'll send one of the women over to look after you."

Lou watched Buck walk away. Her mind reeling from the kiss he had laid on her. She raised her hand to her mouth, touching her lips that were still tingling from his kiss. Lou felt the walls around her heart start to crumble as large chunks fell away. She knew there was no denying it … she was in love with Buck. But she still felt like she was not good enough for him, that he was still in love with Jenny. She felt sure that the kiss he had just given her was only thing he could think of to show that Lou was not for the taking. Lou sighed as she watched the preacher's wife walk over to her camp to sit with her while Buck went to talk to the wagon master. Lou wanted Buck to kiss her again … just one problem, how would she get him to do it?


	17. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

Irma Feldman sat down next to the young woman who had been forced to marry the scout just to stay with the wagon train. She wasn't sure of the girl's story or how the two young people knew each other, but she was sure of one thing. They both loved each other very much. Irma had been watching them for the past few months, she told herself it was to make sure that the scout did not take advantage of the girl, to make sure the marriage stayed in name only so the annulment could happen, but over the weeks she started watching the young man break down the walls around his wife's heart, she watched as the young woman fell in love. It was a beautiful thing to witness; it was true love if there ever was such a thing.

"You alright, dear? You look a little flushed," Irma asked Lou, who sat staring off into space.

Lou jumped at the sound of the soft spoken woman, her face flushing even more. "I'm … I'm fine."

"You sure? You could talk to me you know… I am a minster's wife, people talk to me all the time," Irma said looking at her expectantly.

"I … um … have you ever wanted something but been too scared to go after it?" Lou asked suddenly.

Irma pursed her lips in thought. "Yes."

"Do you regret not going after it?" Lou asked.

"No … but only because of what I got was so much better than what I wanted," Irma explained at Lou's look of shock.

"How do you know if what you want is the best thing for you and is worth the risk of going after?" Lou asked a few minutes later.

"You have to listen to your heart. But I will tell you this; you are here at this point for a reason. God put you in this place and arranged things to happen like they have for a reason. Maybe you should think on that some," Irma said patting Lou's knee before standing up since she saw Buck coming.

Lou looked up as the woman left and Buck took her place. Buck sat down next to Lou; his whole body seemed to be on alert. His eyes watching the path towards the pond, waiting for Weston to come back. Lou bit her lip. She wanted to reach out to Buck, to feel his arms around her but his whole demeanor was cold towards her. She slowly got to her feet and climbed into the back of her wagon.

Buck watched her go, not relaxing until she was safely inside her wagon. He was furious about the whole situation. He wanted to kill Weston for laying a hand on Lou. He wanted him out of the group at the very least but Nate wouldn't have it. Lou hadn't been hurt so there really was no cause to leave him alone in the wilds. It still rubbed him wrong that there was nothing he could do to protect Lou other than keep her in his sights at all times, which was something he couldn't do and still do his job.

Buck sighed as put his face in his hands. He thought back to that kiss he had given Lou. When she had started responding to him he thought he had died and gone to heaven, he had to put a stop to it or he would not have been able to stop. Even now just thinking about it caused him to groan. He knew he should never have kissed her because now he just wanted to do it again and so much more … not that he hadn't wanted to before but now it was even worse.

He sighed again before standing up to spread out his bedroll next to Lou's wagon. He was thankful that at least Nate let him off watch for the night so he could stay close to Lou. Buck lay down and closed his eyes but not his mind. His senses were on full alert, so he could protect Lou from any danger.

As soon as Lou climbed into her wagon she had crawled into bed, not even bothering to undress. Her fingers ghosted over her lips once more as she relived that kiss. She thought on the minister's wife's words. Had everything she been through led her to this point for a reason? Was Buck the reason? Were they always meant to be together? Could she trust what her heart was telling her? Could she risk being hurt for the chance at having a real marriage with Buck? Lou didn't know for sure but she thought that just maybe she could risk everything for Buck.

Lou smiled before rolling to her side, tucking her hands under her head as she closed her eyes and let sleep claim her.

_Lou stood on a small hill looking out over the open prairie. The wind whispered through the tall grass caressing her skin. A smile graced her face as she closed her eyes and inhaled the fresh scent of the prairie. A warm hand was placed on her shoulder causing her smile to widen as she was pulled back against a solid chest as an arm snaked around her waist. Lou tilted her head to the side as she felt his breath ghost over her neck before a kiss was placed at the base of her jaw. She gave a sigh of contentment as one of his hands ran down her arm and the other pulled her closer._

She felt herself being spun around, her eyes opening to meet the soulful brown eyes of the man behind her. He gave her a lopsided smirk before bending his head to kiss her parted lips. Lou moaned into his mouth as the kiss deepened. He left her mouth and began raining kisses down the side of her neck as his hands went to the buttons on her shirtwaist.

"Buck," Lou breathed out in a breathless whisper as his hands slipped inside her shirt.

Buck captured her mouth again in a feverish kiss as he pushed her shirt off her shoulders. Lou's own trembling fingers went to the buttons on his shirt. Her fingers trailing down the plains of his chest and stomach. Before Lou knew it she was being lowered to the ground, her clothes gone. Buck ran the back of his fingers along her cheek and looked deep into her eyes.

"I love you, Louise," He whispered.

"I love you, Buck," Lou replied before pulling him down so she could kiss him again.

Buck trailed his tongue along Lou's lower lip begging her to allow him in. she quickly complied, opening up to him with a moan. As their tongues dueled for dominance, Buck trailed his hands down her sides and then back up again, cupping her breast. Lou hitched a leg over one of Buck's as she tried to press up against him, needed to feel him inside her.

"Patience," Buck breathed out as he pushed against her hip.

"Don't toy with me Buck," Lou growled.

Buck smirked against her neck as he trailed kisses down it and along her collarbone. His fingers ghosting over her fevered skin, traveling south towards her moist center. Lou hissed as she felt his long fingers brush against the spot begging for attention. She whimpered when he ignored it and ran his fingers down her thigh.

"Please Buck," She begged with wanting.

"Please what Lou?" Buck asked as he nipped at her ear.

"Please I need to you to touch me," Lou breathed out.

"I am touching you," Buck replied with a smirk.

"Buck." Lou groaned out, "You know what I mean."

"I'm not sure I do... how do you want me to touch you?" Buck asked.

"I want you to touch me as only you can... I want to feel you inside me ... I need you Buck ... please, don't make me wait any longer," Lou panted out as his fingers inched closer to her core.

Lou arched her back as Buck slipped his fingers past her folds and brushed the little bundle of nerves setting her whole body on fire. Lou whimpered with each movement of his fingers, she rocked her hips against him as he inserted a finger into her tunnel.

"Need more," Lou panted.

Buck moved down her body until his face was hovering over her mound. He looked up at Lou and gave her a sly smile before he lowered his mouth and ran his tongue along her fold. Lou hissed as she bucked her hips. Buck moved one arm to lie across her hips to hold her still as he continued his assault with his tongue and fingers.

"So close ... almost there," Lou panted her breathes in short gasp.

Buck began to rub that little bundle faster causing Lou to cry out in her release.  
He kissed his way back up her body before lining himself up with her entrance. He looked down at her flushed face, locking eyes with her.

"I love you," He whispered before pushing his way into her.

Lou pushed her hips up to meet him, locking a leg around him as she clung to him. Buck groaned as he sank into her warm wetness.

"So tight," He whispered his voice strained.

Lou rocked her hips up against Buck encouraging him to move. He began a slow torturous rhythm, slowly building Lou back up. Lou felt the tension in her belly tightening with each thrust, each one becoming harder and faster than the last.

"Oh God, Buck ... right there," Lou whimpered when Buck hit just the right spot.

Buck smirked as he hit that spot over and over causing Lou to moan out each time.

"So close, Baby," He grunted.

"Just a little bit longer, Buck," Lou pleaded.

Buck reached down in between them and rubbed the little bundle of nerves with his thumb.

"Buck!" Lou cried out as he launched her over that edge into absolute bliss.

Buck groaned as his body stiffened and he released his seed deep inside Lou's body. Breathing hard he collapsed on top of her before pulling out and rolling to his back pulling Lou with him. She snuggled closer, her head on his chest, her hands trailing over his body before closing her eyes and drifting off to sleep.

_Lou opened her eyes and found herself on an unfamiliar land, tears running down her face as she knelt next to Buck's broken body. His eyes were cloudy with pain; blood trickled from the side of his mouth. Lou wiped the blood away with her skirt._

_Buck raised his hand and caressed the side of her face. "I'm sorry … forgive me … love you." He rasped out before his hand dropped from her face and his eyes closed one last time._

_"No! Buck please… You can't die … don't leave me… Buck don't go … I love you … you can't leave me," Lou cried over and over again._

_"It's too late for him little girl. You should have come to me when you had the chance," A voice sneered from behind her._

_Lou trembled at the cold voice as she turned her tear streaked face towards the man who had just taken Buck from her, Roger Weston._

_He reached down and grabbed her by the arm, jerking her to her feet. "You're mine now. Ain't no one going to save you."_

Lou woke with a start, her heart pounding in fear. Her whole body was trembling. She wanted Buck, she needed him. So without a second thought over her actions, Lou climbed out of her wagon and into Buck's bedroll, curling up against his side. She felt his arm go around her back, holding her close and felt safe. She closed her eyes, her heart rate calming as she slowly drifted to sleep in Buck's arms.


	18. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

Buck opened his eyes unsure of what it was that had awoken him. His body was on alert but he didn't feel anything immediately threatening. He listened to the quiet trying to discern what had brought him out of his light slumber when he heard it.

"Buck," Lou moaned breathily from inside her wagon.

Buck leaned up on his elbow, waiting to see if she called him again. His eyebrow arched when her next words reached his ear. "Need more … so close."

Buck slowly got to his feet and crept to the end of Lou's wagon. He peeked inside and saw Lou soundly sleeping, her breathing heavy in the midst of her erotic dream. Buck bit back the groan that wanted to escape. He fought every fiber of his being as he forced himself to go back to his bedroll instead of climb into the wagon and take Lou.

He groaned again when he heard her breathe out, "oh God, Buck … right there."

He thought about slipping away from the camp so he could relieve the little problem he was having but stopped himself when Lou's breathing change. No longer was she panting heavily in the midst of a pleasure filled dream, now her breathing was coming in short gasp like she was crying.

"Don't leave me … Buck don't go …" Lou cried in her sleep.

Buck's eyebrows knitted together. How had she jumped from them being together to her begging him to stay? He heard her as she startled awake, her breathing heavy as she gasped in air. Buck wanted to go to her, to comfort her; he was just about to get up when he heard her moving. He watched as Lou crawled over to him, never looking up to see if he was awake. She curled up under his blanket, tucking herself into his side. He could feel her trembling; whatever she had seen there at the end of her dream had terrified her. Buck placed his arm around her back and held her close.

Eventually her breathing slowed and her trembling ceased. Buck reached up and kissed the top of her head before laying back and closing his eyes. He tried to go back to sleep but he just couldn't. He was still aroused by hearing her breathy moans in her sleep, from hearing his name cross her lips in such a way. It was going to be a long night.

He bit his lip as he felt Lou's hand move on his chest. Her breathing was still completely even, so he figured she was still asleep and didn't realize what she was doing. But each time her hands ran up and down his chest they went further south. He was trying to be a gentleman; he was trying to think of anything and everything else than what her hands on his body was doing to him. But he could only take so much; he had been pining for this woman for almost twelve years. He had not been with a woman since he realized he loved Lou and the only other woman he had been with, he'd rather not remember.

Buck couldn't help himself as he ran his hands up and down her back pulling at her shirtwaist. He slipped his hands under the fabric of her shirt and touched the soft fabric of her camisole. He brushed it aside so he could touch the bare skin of her back. Buck's eyes closed as he brought a hand around to her stomach. Her skin felt like satin under his fingers. His hands inched higher, his fingers just brushing the rounded mounds of her chest. He stopped himself from going further; he didn't want to take advantage of her in her sleep. The hand on her back went lower and slipped past the waist band of her skirt and into her drawers. His hand settled onto her bare bottom and pulled her closer against his body as he rolled to his side, so that she was pressed against his chest.

Lou managed to work her hands up under Buck's long john top, her fingers ghosting over his skin. Buck groaned as he felt her brush a feather light kiss over his heart.

"Stay with me Buck," She whispered in her sleep.

"Always," Buck replied.

Lou sighed in blissful contentment. She felt warm and safe and loved. But then her brain became aware of certain things that she hadn't been as she woke up. Her eyes went wide as she realized she was no longer in her wagon and was lying with Buck. His hand was on her rear, on her bare rear. But that was not what had her eyes widening, Lou could feel Buck's arousal pressed into her stomach. Lou stiffened in his arms. Her breaths coming in short little pants as her face flamed red. She pushed against his chest getting him to loosen his hold.

"Buck … Buck let me go," She hissed under her breath, as she could hear the sound of the camp waking up.

Buck just pulled her closer and kissed the top of her head. "Wait," He whispered not really aware that the camp was waking up.

"Buck you're umm you uhh," Lou stammered out flustered.

Buck opened his eyes and looked at Lou. He could see she was incredibly embarrassed by something. When he realized what it was that was embarrassing her, he pulled away and pulled the blanket up over his waist.

"Sorry." He muttered looking down at the ground.

"No problem," Lou stammered before making a quick retreat to her wagon.

Buck groaned as he flopped onto his back and dragged his hands down his face. How was he going to get through the day now?

Lou groaned as she hid in her wagon. What had she been thinking to crawl into bed with Buck last night? She couldn't believe how close she had come to actually 'dancing' with him. And by God did she want to, if it hadn't been for the camp waking up, she have given herself to him then and there. How was she going to get through the day and pretend like nothing happened? How was she going to let Buck know that she wanted something to happen? How was she going to let him know she wanted a real marriage, she wanted him, and she loved him? Lou blew out an exasperated breath before fixing her clothes and climbing back out of her wagon to fix breakfast. It was going to be a very long day.


	19. Chapter 18

**A/N: Oh wow has it really been that long since I posted an update to this story? Shame on me, there is no excuse for that especially considering I've had the story written for a while. Forgive me faithful readers. I am trying to get back into my writing but my RL has been a bitch. I know you girls on the plus know what I'm talking about. For everybody else, just bear with me.**

**Chapter 18**

Lou groaned as she climbed down from her wagon and stretched her back. She'd give anything to be able to ride a horse instead of sit in a wagon all day. She looked around the clearing that would be their camp for the night but did not see Buck. She sighed as she set about taking care of her oxen. It was unusual that Buck was not there to do it, but she thought that perhaps he had been upset with her for crawling into bed with him. If she had been spotted they wouldn't be able to annul the marriage. Maybe Buck thought she was trying to trap him. But why had he told her to wait? Was he still asleep and thought it was Jenny curled up next to him?

After she had taken care of the oxen Lou went about getting a campfire started and was fixing to start preparing supper when Buck walked into the camp, carrying a rabbit already skinned. Lou's mouth began to water at the sight, but it had more to do with the fact that Buck was only wearing his vest over his bare chest. She licked her lips as she watched a bead of water slide down his neck and onto his chest from his wet hair. Lou sat down heavily as Buck went about placing the rabbit on a spit over the fire. She watched the muscles in his arms flex as he worked. She wanted nothing more than to be taken into those arms and held while Buck kissed her senseless. Lou swallowed, her mouth feeling suddenly very dry.

Buck felt eyes on him. He knew it was Lou watching him; he smirked but didn't look at her. When he finally finished his preparations he raised his eyes to look at Lou, as he stayed squatted next to the fire. He watched as Lou licked her lips, her eyes focused on his chest. "See something you like Lou?" Buck asked his voice teasing.

Lou flushed and forced herself to look away. "Where's …um… where's your shirt?" Lou asked having to clear her throat.

"I had to wash it, got a little blood on it when I was skinning the rabbit," Buck replied.

"Don't you have another one?" Lou asked her voice squeaking.

Buck grinned. "Yeah I do … but you've seen me shirtless before. I seem to recall you seeing me only in my long johns too. What's the problem?"

"Oh … uh... well … that … uh … was a …um… different place. Yeah that was a different time and place," Lou stammered out flustered.

"Am I making you uncomfortable?" Buck asked moving closer to Lou.

"Um no … it's just that … there's other people around …" Lou said looking around not meeting Buck's eyes. "Like that girl there," Lou pointed out a girl that was looking at Buck with wide eyes.

Buck looked towards the girl and sent her a wink, causing the girl to blush and turn away. He looked back at Lou to find her glaring at him. "What?"

"Don't pretend like you just didn't do anything Buck Cross," Lou seethed.

"What did I do?" Buck asked reaching out to Lou.

Lou pushed him away, her hands pressing against his chest. "Don't Buck… just don't."

Buck sat back as he watched Lou place another wall between them. What had he done wrong? Had he really made her that uncomfortable? What had he done? Was Lou really that mad because he winked at some random girl because she was staring at him? He sighed and moved away to finish cooking the rabbit.

Lou was seething inside. She felt that Buck was just toying with her. That he knew she was attracted to him and had purposely come into camp like that just to see how she would act. And then he showed he wasn't interested in her by winking at that girl. That little tramp that had made it plain from day one that Lou wasn't pretty enough, wasn't good enough for Buck. Lou knew every comment and snide remark she had made to her by heart. Buck had to have known, what winking at little Miss Macey would do to her.

Well if that was how he wanted to play… two could play that game. Lou felt a sly grin spread across her face. She might not be a beauty like that girl that was watching Buck but she was still a woman. She could still attract a man. And when she had Buck hooked like a fish she'd leave him high and dry like he just did her.

While Buck was busy cooking the rabbit, Lou slipped away to get cleaned up, making sure she had her gun on her in case Weston tried anything again. By the time she had come back, Buck had put on another shirt and the rabbit was just about ready. Lou slipped into her wagon and changed clothes, picking an outfit that reminded her of Rachel that first day she came to the station. The blouse was low cut and a little tighter than Lou would normally wear. Lou brushed her short hair, thankful that it was growing out nicely. It was still way too short but there was enough now that she could fluff it a bit to make her look more feminine. Lou pinched her cheeks before climbing out of the wagon.

Buck almost dropped the rabbit in the fire when he saw Lou climb out of her wagon. He had never seen this outfit and that was probably a good thing, he would never have lasted this long if he had. Lou's curves were hugged in all the right places, maybe a bit snug around the chest though as it looked like if she leaned over she would spill out the top. Buck's eyes were fixated on her with every breath she took; he swallowed down the lump that was forming in his throat. But couldn't seem to find his tongue as Lou sat across from him and took the plate he held out for her.

"Thank you Buck, this looks really good." Lou said as she began to tear apart the meat with her fingers.

Buck slowly began to eat as he watched Lou bring piece after piece to her mouth and chew. He had to bite back a groan as she lifted a finger to her lips and licked the grease and juices off of it, doing the same with every finger. Lou raised her eyes and locked eyes with Buck as she stuck the last finger in her mouth and sucked the juices off, a little smirk forming as she recognized the lust in Buck's eyes.

"See something you like Buck?" Lou asked repeating his earlier question.

Buck could only nod having lost all control over his tongue. Lou stood up and stretched her arms over her head. Buck bit down hard on his lip as the buttons threatened to pop off her blouse over her bosom. Lou leaned over directly in front of Buck and placed her plate next to his on the ground. She stood up and ran her hand along his shoulder as she walked past him towards her wagon.

"Where … where are you going?" Buck asked quickly.

"I think I'm going to turn in, I'm awfully tired. You can take care of the dishes right?" Lou asked never once looking back at him.

Buck felt his mouth drop as Lou climbed into the back of her wagon and closed the flaps. He let out a snort of laughter and shook his head. "Little tease," He muttered to himself.

He looked down at his lap and groaned. If he didn't think Lou would shoot him, he'd crawl into the back of her wagon right now and claim his rights as her husband. He groaned again when Nate walked by and reminded him that he had first watch. But then again taking that watch might not be a bad thing, he might be able to take care of the problem he was having.

Buck was sitting just outside the circle of wagons. His back was to Lou's wagon, where he pictured her fast asleep. He wanted to climb in and join her with every fiber of his being. He looked down at his lap and groaned again. He was still as hard as a rock. It had become an almost constant state of being for him lately. He knew Lou was attracted to him, she might even have feelings for him but something was holding her back still.

Buck smirked though when he thought about her little performance at supper. Some of Lou's playfulness was coming back ... he just wished she hadn't left him hanging like she did, it was rather painful. And in fact the more he thought about it the more painful it became. Buck looked around to make sure nobody was watching him. He loosened the ties of his pants and freed his painful erection. He closed his eyes as his hand closed around his throbbing member, as he thought about Lou.

_There she was, the little temptress, just standing in the open doorway, the sun cutting right through her thin garment. Every line and curve of her body visible in silhouette. She was unaware of his presence, of his hungry eyes upon her. The hunter watched as she stepped out of her humble abode, moving with the grace of a doe. The hunter smiled as he followed her to the waterfall. The temptress stood at the water's edge and pulled her thin shift over her head revealing her smooth creamy skin to the sun and the hunter's eyes. She reached out with her foot and tested the water with her toes. _

_The hunter watched his temptress wade into the cool water, her nipples pebbling from the coolness. He watched as she stepped under the flowing waterfall and allowed the waters to cascade over her chestnut locks. He watched as she ran her hands over her body, as she squeezed her own breast, as she lowered a hand to her woman's center and stroked herself. _

_"I can help you with that," The hunter called as he stepped out of the bushes where he had been watching her from._

_His temptress turned to him and smiled. "I was wondering what was keeping you Running Buck ... I thought I would have to take care of myself."_

_Buck smirked as he quickly shed his close and entered the water. He reached his temptress and pulled her close, enjoying the feel of her soft body against his lean muscular body. "You should know better than that Louise. I always take care of you first don't I?"_

_"Yes you do," Lou whispered as one of buck's hands went beneath the water and caressed her aching core. _

_With every flick of his fingers he brought her closer to completion He knew she was close so he inserted two fingers inside and began thrusting them as he continued to rub her nub with his thumb. Lou cried out in bliss as her walls clenched around his fingers._

_When she came down from her high Buck scooped her up into his arms and carried her to the shore. He laid her down in the soft moss in the shade of a willow tree. He covered her body with his own. He claimed her mouth in a heated kiss as he pushed inside of her. Her warm wetness almost driving him over the edge right then. _

_"My little temptress," Buck whispered as he caressed her face._

_Lou moaned beneath him with every thrust he gave. She surprised Buck when she pushed against him and forced him to his back. Buck watched as she lowered herself onto his prominent erection. His hands went to her ample breast, his thumbs brushing over the peaks earning a hiss of pleasure from Lou._

_"I kinda like this view," He said as he could watch himself enter her with each movement._

_Lou smirked before she leaned forward so her breast was hanging in front of him. Buck reached up and sucked it into his mouth. His hands going to her hips to help control her movements. Buck moaned as he felt the familiar tightening of his impending release. His movements became faster and stronger as he thrust up into Lou's warmth. She whimpered as her walls clench around him, her nails digging into his shoulders in her release. _

_Buck thrust into her once more and found his own release. His seed filling her womb as he moaned, "Lou."_

Buck opened his eyes, his breath coming out in pants. He released his softening manhood and reached down to wipe his seed onto the grass. He tucked himself back into his pants and retied the sides. He looked around to make sure he hadn't brought any attention to himself and found he hadn't. Buck focused back in on his watch, now that he could concentrate. Maybe he'd be able to last a little while longer, hopefully long enough for Lou to come around to him.


	20. Chapter 19

**A/N: Well lookie here another update and I didn't make ya'll wait for months for it! Go me. Anyway I hope you enjoy it.**

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**Chapter 19**

The next morning Lou was again dressed in the low-cut blouse. Buck drank far more coffee than he normally would just so he could watch her fill his cup, since she would bend over to pick up the pot and then lean over him to fill his mug.

Lou of course knew exactly what Buck was doing. She was teaching him a lesson he'd never forget. He'd think twice before winking at any girl again, especially that girl. Of course Buck wasn't playing nice either, he had come back to camp this morning fresh from his bath, with his shirt hanging open. Lou caught Miss Macey staring again and had glared at her. If looks really could kill, that girl would be deader than a doornail.

Supper that night was no better. Lou flirted and teased, getting Buck worked up only to leave him high and dry when it was time to turn in. And if it wasn't for the fact that he had watch, Buck wasn't sure he'd have been able to stop himself from climbing into the back of that wagon with Lou.

This went on for a few days; the tension between the two was so thick you could cut it with a knife. It was plain to the whole group that the couple was ready to snap if they didn't give into each other first. None of them really understood why the couple hadn't consummated their marriage when it was clear that they both were crazy about each other.

A half day out from the Green River, the wagon train had stopped to rest for Sunday like they did every week. Buck thought it was high time that he and Lou sorted out whatever was going on between them. It was time Lou knew the truth about his feelings if she hadn't figured it out already. Buck went into his saddlebags and found the picture he had taken from Kid all those years ago. He glanced down at the image of him and Lou laying side by side, his face looking at her in adoration, the love plain for everybody to see. He felt sure that she'd realize he loved her all this time if she would just really look at his expression. Buck folded the picture and tucked into his pocket.

Lou sat on the ground with a book in her hand. Her chores were done and the light lunch she had planned was made, she was only waiting for Buck to return from wherever he had wandered off to. Lou was focused on her book when a shadow loomed over her. She looked up to see Buck standing there, with a mischievous smile on his face.

"What are you up to?" Lou asked narrowing her eyes at him.

Buck grinned as he pulled a bouquet of wild flowers from behind his back, "I was wondering if you would join me for a picnic."

"A picnic? Really? Don't we basically do that every day?" Lou asked laughter in her eyes.

"Technically but I thought you might want to get away from the group for a while," Buck persisted still holding the flowers out to her.

Lou got to her feet and took the flowers from him. She appeared to be in thought as she found a cup to put the flowers in so they wouldn't die just yet. "Well I guess I can pack this food up and we can go somewhere else to eat it."

Buck reached into the back of her wagon and pulled out a blanket and a basket. He quickly loaded the food and blanket inside. Grabbing Lou's hand he led her over to his horse.

Lou looked at him, "Buck do you think you can help me on the horse, these skirts make mounting a bit difficult."

"Sure, Lou," Buck said setting down the basket and making a cradle with his hand.

Lou put her foot into his hand and Buck gave her the boost she needed. Her skirt rode up as she straddled the horse, revealing more leg than was decent. Buck handed her up the basket and mounted up behind her, his arm going around her waist pulling her close to his chest. They rode until they were out of sight and earshot of the wagon circle. Buck dismounted and took the basket from Lou and placed it on the ground before reaching up and helping Lou down, his hands lingering a little longer than necessary on her waist.

Buck led Lou to a shaded area where he spread the blanket out. Lou then went about setting the food out while Buck took care of his horse. When he returned Lou handed him a plate. They sat and quietly ate, neither one saying anything. Lou gnawed on her lower lip unsure of what she should say. Buck ran his hand up the back of his neck, not sure where to start.

Lou finally flopped onto her back after packing away the dishes. She looked up at the fluffy clouds. Buck stretched out next to her.

Buck looked over at her before looking up at the sky. He grinned as he pointed to a large fluffy cloud. "Hey look, Lou, it's a buffalo."

Lou smiled, "Looks more like a jackrabbit."

Buck laughed out right. "Nope it's a buffalo. See there's the legs, and the tail, and the horns."

"I see rabbit ears, long feet, and a bunny tail," Lou snickered.

Buck rolled to his side and propped his head up with his hand and looked at her as Lou did the same. "You want to know something Buck?" Lou asked quietly.

"What?" Buck asked a smile on his face.

"The memory of that day has gotten me through some of the worst times of my life. I remember it was the last time we were all together, all still alive, all still a family. I was happy and safe and loved," Lou stated quietly.

Buck reached out and touched her cheek. "You are safe and loved, Lou. And I have something I want to tell you too."

"What?" Lou asked.

Buck smiled nervously as he reached into his pocket and pulled out the folded picture. He handed it over to Lou. "I think this will tell you everything," He whispered.

Lou took the offered paper, looking at him wearily. She slowly unfolded and revealed the hand drawn picture. Lou gasped. "Where did you get this? You had this the whole time?"

"That day you left Rock Creek, I found Kid in the barn looking at this picture. He handed it to me and made me look at it. Look at it Lou … this is the reason why Kid made you leave without a goodbye," Buck explained quickly sitting up and getting to his feet. He walked a few feet away giving Lou her space to see what Kid had seen. He waited for her reaction.

Lou watched Buck put space between them and then looked back down at the picture. It was just of her and Buck looking at the clouds. What was it about this picture that made the Kid make them leave without a goodbye? She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before she focused on the picture really looking at it. It was then that the expression on her face caught her eye. Lou let out a little gasp as she realized what that expression was. It was a look of love. She had been in love with Buck even then. How had she never known? Things could have been so different if she had realized it back then. She would never have had to leave her family. She would never have lost her siblings. She would never have done the things she had to do to survive. Everything could have been so different, it could have been better.

Lou felt the tears fall down her cheek as she thought about how things could have changed if she had just opened her eyes and realized what was in her heart all those years ago. She looked back up at Buck, who still had his back to her. He had known all this time and never said anything. Why? Was she not worth loving? Was that why he hadn't tried to make their marriage a real one when he knew she would have been receptive to it on some level? Lou stood shakily to her feet; she took a tiny step forward and saw Buck's shoulders stiffen. Lou stopped before turning and fleeing back in the direction of the camp.

Buck whirled around at the sound of Lou's retreating feet. "Lou! Wait!" He called but she didn't stop.

Buck sank down to the ground and locked his arms around his knees and he lowered his head to rest on his arms. His shoulders shook with emotion as he tried to contain the sobs that wanted to escape. Even after all these years, after all this time, he still wasn't good enough for her. Why else would she have run when she realized he had loved her all this time? But then the thought that it was his love that had caused her to lose everything hit Buck. He hit his head against his knees repeatedly.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid," He muttered over and over.

All he could think was how had he not realized that Lou would blame him for the pain and suffering she went through. It was his fault after all. If he hadn't have loved her, Kid would never have made her go with him. Kid would have left her with her family, where she would have been safe and protected. Where she would have been loved. Buck didn't know how long he sat out there, but by the time he returned to the camp it had grown late and Lou had already turned in. Buck sat down by the fire and got lost in thought, never noticing Nathan joining him until he spoke.

"Just what did you do to that little gal, Cross? She came back here in tears and climbed right into her wagon. Been in there the whole time," Nate said before taking a sip of coffee.

Buck sighed. "I just gave her a picture that an old friend had drawn of us a long time ago… it made her realize I'm the reason she lost everything… all because I loved her."

"You really think she reacted that way because she realized you loved her?" Nate asked.

"What else would have caused her to react like that?" Buck asked.

"It could have been a number of things, Buck … you'll never know until you talk to her." Nate said before standing up. "You best get some rest, we've got a big day tomorrow with crossing the Green."

Buck just nodded. He looked over at Lou's wagon. It was too late to talk to her now but he could talk to her in the morning hopefully. If not he'd definitely talk to her at supper. Buck stretched out on his bedroll and tried to sleep. Tomorrow was going to be a long and dangerous day; he'd needed all the rest he could get.


	21. Chapter 20

**A/N: Sorry for the delay ... someone needs to poke me with a stick if I don't update this story every couple of weeks at least. There is no excuse for it seeing how it's been done for months! I just get busy with real life.**

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**Chapter 20**

The next morning came too early for Lou. She had not slept well the night before, her mind working overtime as it thought about all the ways her life could have been different if she had just opened her eyes all those years ago. Then that would always bring up the thought that Buck had known all this time and had never said anything. He obviously didn't want her. Why would he? She was broken and damaged. Why would he want someone like her when he had Jenny waiting on him back in St. Joe?

Lou sighed as she dressed quickly for the day, for some reason she felt like putting on a petticoat in addition to her drawers. Normally she went without one but she thought maybe if she tried to look like a more respectable lady that Buck would see her as such instead of damaged goods. Maybe he would look at her like she did him. After she was dressed she climbed out of her wagon, her eyes seeking Buck. He was speaking to Nate on the other side of the camp. Lou quickly went about fixing breakfast for them.

Buck joined her shortly after the food was ready. He fidgeted nervously and would open his mouth as if to speak only to shut it again and look away. Lou's heart broke a little more each time.

Buck wanted to talk to Lou, to tell her everything but every time he opened his mouth to say what was in his heart he'd freeze. He was terrified of her rejection. He couldn't take it, not after all these years and she was so close to being his. He'd never recover if she rejected him now and for good. Buck sighed when Nate called the five minute warning. He would just have to wait until they made camp to tell her.

"We should be at the Green River by lunch," Buck said quietly.

"That will be good," Lou replied as she packed up her supplies and prepared to roll out.

Buck hitched up her oxen for her and then assisted her into the wagon seat, never noticing that the break on Lou's wagon had been tampered with.

Roger Weston sat in his wagon with an evil smirk on his face. He was going to teach that breed and uppity gal a lesson. The breed was going to learn nobody got the best of Roger Weston and that gal would learn that nobody said no to him when he wanted something, especially some no count girl who didn't know her place. He slapped the leads over the backs of his oxen as the wagon in front of him began to move. He'd be rid of them both by the end of the day if all went according to plan.

After travelling for a few hours the group arrived at the Green River well before lunch time. The process of ferrying the wagons across the river was a slow one but the Lombard Ferry had been operating for years and had the procedure down pat. Lou was not in a patient mood however. She wanted to get across that river now instead of having to wait her turn which happened to be the last wagon since Buck was staying on this side of the river until everybody was across, Nathan having gone across already to assist the families as they reached the other side. When she found out that the operators had jack up the price to sixteen dollars she really had no intention of paying it.

"Buck I'm going to drive the wagon across instead of taking the ferry. I ain't going to pay sixteen dollars just to take the ferry across," Lou said suddenly.

"Like hell you are," Buck declared.

"Buck you ain't going to tell me what I can and can't do," Lou argued.

"I ain't trying to tell you what to do Lou but you'd be a fool to cross the river in your wagon and you ain't no fool. Trust me on this Lou … I've seen too many people die on this river because they thought they could cross it. I know it appears slower than some of the other rivers we have crossed but it is still extremely dangerous. Please just take the ferry," Buck pleaded.

Lou looked at him and could see nothing but concern for her safety. "Alright, you win. I'll take the ferry. Still these people, ought to be ashamed of themselves, sixteen dollars?" Lou said.

Buck just smirked and walked off shaking his head. He had to help the next wagon load onto the ferry. Lou had been sitting by the river for a couple of hours already when lunch time rolled around. The operators took a break while everybody ate a light lunch. After lunch the wagons ahead of her where taken across the river.

Lou gave a grateful sigh when it was finally her turn. "Alright Lou let's get this wagon loaded," Buck said riding up next to her.

Lou drove her wagon onto the ferry and then set the break. She climbed down from the seat and with the help of Buck got her oxen unhitched and off the ferry.

"Alright I'm going to take the oxen on across. I'll be waiting for you on the other side," Buck stated giving her a small smile.

"I'll be there shortly," Lou replied as she got back onto the ferry.

She watched as Buck drove her oxen across the river from her perch on the wagon seat. When he had gotten to the other side the ferry began to move across the river. When they were about halfway across the current had picked up and caused the ferry to tip a little. The break that Lou had set should have held the wagon still and it would have if Weston hadn't tampered with it causing it to not lock the wheels. Lou felt the wagon shift and found herself falling into the moving river. She screamed as she plunged into the cold water, her skirts and petticoats wrapping around her legs making it impossible for her to swim. The heavy weight of the wet fabric dragged her under the water as she flailed with her arms.

Buck watched in horror as the love of his life fell overboard and disappeared beneath the water. "Lou! NO!" Buck shouted as he moved into action.

Buck ran along the bank, stripping his vest and shirt off as he went, before diving into the river swimming with all his might towards the spot where Lou would break the surface before disappearing underneath again. He reached the spot after what felt like an eternity and dove under the water. His hand closed around her wrist as he pushed for the surface of the water, pulling her with him.

He broke the surface and took in a deep breath as he pulled Lou up bringing her head above water. He struggled against the current and the weight of Lou's wet clothes as he swam for shore. Lou's skirts pulled at them weighing them both down. Buck felt them as they tangled against his own legs. He struggled to remain above water, to keep Lou above water. He refused to let her go even if it meant drowning himself. Buck was pulled under along with Lou when his strength failed him.


End file.
